written word: remember the time

I remember it all.

How it began

How it went.

How it ended.

I remember everytime I doubted you

And doubted myself.

I remember that first kiss, and when it all became more.

I remember our first fight.

The buttons we pushed.

The lowblows.

The prideful silence for days and weeks on end.

I remember our first date.

Smelling you in a darkened room.

The protector.

The apology. The surprise. The pennies. The popcorn.

The commonality that would later become a gift.

How it came at the end of a surprise weekend hidden away in the city.

I remember when I fell in love.

Me hiding from you. From myself.

I remember when you finally let me in.

Deemed me worthy to be someone you could trust.

When you knew the loyalty you demanded, and that I offered was real.

I remember the push-back.

The boundaries we crossed.

Promises broken. The constant building and rebuilding of trust.

I remember not knowing.

Wondering if you were who I thought you were.

Forgetting who I was and feeling unfamiliar.

I remember the tears.

The fear of a never-ending cycle.

You feeding my needs and wants – not sure where either of them began.

I remember you.

The voice that sang.

The sick little boy.

Every inch of your body, ingested, inhaled by me on every occasion I had the chance.

The laugh, the dance, the satisfied smile, the frustrated face

The allergies. The likes and dislikes.

The way you handled my body as though it was molded by you.

Always forcing my hand, calling my bluffs.

Exposing me, stripping me to my core.

I remember me.

Happy and full of hope.

Frustrated and full of confusion.

Constantly floating back and forth

Knowing I knew better, but unable to do better.

I remember why.

The fairy-tale ending seeped deep in my subconscious

Wanting the fight that you put up to get me, keep me to mean something.

I remember now.

The constant reminder, your impact felt more now than ever before

Despite your lack of presence.

The words that you can’t undo.

The ugly truths. Finally exposing the you I was never allowed to see.

Or couldn’t.

I remember the good, bad and ugly.

I remember the pleasure and pain

I remember the safety and fear.

I remember the first time, the last time and everytime in between.

Do you?

kbe.

what say you? ever have someone you just can’t shake from your memory?

the rebuttal: being wife material (part two)

mad men was real. still is for some it seems

for part one: go to here.

#YouArentWifeMaterial if you’re answering questions for your man in public and not letting him speak, or if you’re constantly arguing with and criticizing him in public. Look, the man is the face of the relationship. The representative. While the inner strength may be hers, the external strength is his. It’s why when they lose their house society doesn’t say she wasn’t responsible, they look at him. It’s why the family last name is his. Your doing those things takes away from his masculinity, the same masculinity you’ll need to defend you physically, defend your honor, and be perceived by society. In relationships where the man is soft, everyone will try their dynamic.

i read this point several times, and couldn’t understand it. a relationship is made up of 2 people. two whole, full, separate people. using an old patriarchal tradition (the family name at marriage) to say that the man is the face of the relationship  - reeks of olden time type of thinking (ya know..the women are to be seen and not heard kind of days). problem is, that it is becoming harder and harder to hold on to traditional ways of thinking, when people aren’t being raised in that way AND there is seemingly no benefits to following it.(ze hoes are slightly winning these days). if  a family loses their home, men are looked at as the ‘responsible’ party MOSTLY because despite it being 2012, women STILL lag behind in wages. men are still paid more for the same work as women. it’s BEEN that way for decades, and as long as CEO’s and CFO’s of companies and culture is based on old patriarchal ways – it will be the case. just a consequence of living in a man’s world.

i will also argue, that no one can take your masculinity away from you. you are a male, regardless of how someone speaks to you or not. because in the end – you are also an adult with a choice. if you choose to stay with a woman who speaks to you like this – well only you can teach people how to treat you. if i had a penny for every time i’ve read how men love the ‘crazy’ chick because it’s sexy and fiery etc.. – you reap what you sow. she’s not just going to be fire in between the sheets. she’s fire everywhere. perhaps, if men would stop bypassing the ones that would never treat you like that for the ‘crazy sexy cool’ – you wouldn’t have these issues. #shrugs

#YouArentWifeMaterial If you suck at marriage intelligence. The first time your girl comes to me about something I did or said that was to be between just us, it’s going to go bad for both of you.

at this point, im pretty much assuming that the author wouldn’t want to date, much less be in a relationship, much less consider anyone with these traits/habits as a potential wife. i’m also guessing the ‘its going to be bad for both of you’ = both parties in the relationship because the three keys of the relationship are lost: trust, respect, communication. and how can one who has never been married know and understand marriage intelligence? shouldn’t basic relationship intelligence be covered first, before graduating to a higher level?

#YouArentWifeMaterial you can’t shut your mouth and listen to EVERYTHING I have to say first, before commenting or constructing your rebuttal. Who can play the silent game longer, men or women? Men. I promise you we know more about you than you know about us. We hold on to our secrets and emotions.

i’ll admit, that this can be very hard for me personally. if it’s heated argument and i want to get my point out before i lose it – i sometimes have a hard time with not interrupting to drop my two cents. but sometimes in an effort to be the perfect woman – i do exactly this. i recieve and wait. funny thing is, EVERY. SINGLE. boyfriend i’ve EVER had ALWAYS hated when i do this. most men in my experience (both 3D and on the interwebs), say they HATE when a women tries to go back to a previous conversation/argument. so this flies in the face of advice/comments that the majority of men in my life have EVER said.

and silent game? really? what are we six? i thought we’re supposed to be adults that are communicating with each other. a man who tests me with games, is NOT husband material. however you choose to communicate, it has to make sense to the person you are considering as wife material. if you are messing around and playing games – you are looking for something else other than a wife.

#YouArentWifeMaterial If you don’t respect gender roles and follow them. Stay in your lane. When a woman stays in her lane, it’s easy as hell to spot the vacancy. You can see the man’s lane, and if he’s even in it, & driving the car. Yall miss this concept every time. Men drive the car and women provide occasional guidance and direction. Otherwise just be a passenger & ride.

one of my close friends has been married for aprx 8 years. they have a relationship that works for them. he works outside the home, she works in it. they work as a team to make sure their household runs properly. when she married him, she knew what he wanted and what he was willing to do and not do. that has not changed, and isn’t changing because that’s what she signed up for. it’s also the same in reverse. so what they have is a partnership – that wouldn’t work if either of them changed their expectations. what’s funny, is that i consider their marriage a throwback to when gender roles were clearly defined and rarely strayed from. but they are happy and that’s all matters.

it’s also not for everyone.

you are a product of your environment. both my friend and her husband have expectations based on what they saw in their homes growing up. (culture and religion may also play a role here). when you have 2 parents who show you and instill in your what you should expect to do as a wife someday, and what you should demand of your future husband – you go with it. not everyone has that. unfortunately, there are too many women are playing the role of mom and dad. trying to fill in for the all-too-common absentee parent (due to death, desertion or divorce). when that is what you grow up with, that is what you see and what you know. it’s hard to break the mold, if you know nothing else.

i will not say, a women who is fine to never deviate from stereotypical gender roles does not exist. she’s out there. you as the man, if that’s what you want – have to go out and find her (because she most certainly is not coming to you, if she’s being the women that you expect). you as the man, have to be honest when you’re with someone who doesn’t match the vision of wife in your head, instead of stringing someone along because the sex is great. you as the man, have to man up and make sure that you are putting out, what you expect to receive and make sure that you are not complaining about her not reaching to pay for the date and be the man in all aspects.

but it’s 2012. the society we live in, and how generations are being raised is with this mashup of old values and modern times. you can’t be on twitter hating on the chick who has a half-naked avi, demands that you pay for the first date, and makes you wait 90 days while she’s pursuing her education – when you are on twitter chasing that same half-naked chick, hoping that she submits to you the way your grandmother yielded to your grandfather, flashing pictures of your expensive watches. we’re all full of hypocrisies and contradictions.

Stop dictating where your relationship goes. See where he takes you. If it’s not to your liking, get off the ride. Men aren’t making changes, his style is his style. Your wants are your wants. If they don’t fit now, they won’t later.

if more women ACTUALLY did this – the world MIGHT be a better place. maybe. it would force women to be more honest with themselves, save them from preventable heartbreak, and maybe force men to do better. (but more often than not, especially depending on the age of the men we’re talking about – all they do is adapt their game to be a little smarter. i believe the post alluded to how stealthy men can be right?)

this rebuttal in the end is not about saying these things DO/CAN make you ‘wife material’ – its moreseo about looking at why they won’t get you very far period. most men won’t marry a women with any of the above qualities – but they wouldn’t be dating her either. and it’s easy to say this prior to actually being married. the e-homie mr spradley wrote and one of my other fave blogs touched on what married life is actually like. 

so what makes a woman wife material? it’s having a complete list of qualities a man finds in a woman at the time HE wants to get married. just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder – so is wife materialness (made up word steez).

if i looked up what makes a good wife, i’d be able to check quite a few things off the list – and yet…here i am.  a woman (not a tree), not perfect, not devoid of emotional baggage – but clearly, not a wife yet either. i may not have been true wife material to the exes in the past, all that will really matter is the one in the future.

(p.s. but seeing as though patience is not a virtue i possess in great quantity, doesn’t mean i won’t occasionally be bitter about it though. im only human).

kbe.

what say you? ladies – do you think you are wife material? why do you feel that way? fellas – what makes a woman wife material? should we just stop calling good women wife material all together?

the rebuttal: being wife material (part one)

a woman can have/be all these things – and still NOT be #wifematerial…

wife material.

i’m going to add this concept to the pile of words that needs to be abolished. if i could find the dude who first told a chick that she’s not/needs to be/will never be/is wife material – i’d have some choice words for him.

a blog post, was written by one of my twitter peoples, and i saw his tweets about those disagreeing with him/the post. i did a quick read and all i did was sigh.

here’s the thing. heterosexual men, speak about dating and relationships with women – but know nothing about the experience of BEING one. this doesn’t seem to stop them from constantly telling us what to do, how to act to get a man (and/or the prize title of being a wife). and of course, should a woman ever want to speak on the men folk…well..let’s just say she’s rebuked harder than gay folks in North Carolina (or is it South? #imacanadian).

i don’t have a problem with men putting out there what THEY want in a wife – but just like how the 90 day rule will not work for everyone, neither does this. when a woman stereotypes a man, and says they are all the same – men are quick to defend themselves (and as they should be). so i find it contradictory – when advice is put out there, as though all men require and look for the same thing in a spouse.

that was just the one of the things i found disappointing about #youarentwifematerial.

it wasn’t so much the usual sit down and STFU (although, i did have a problem with shut your mouth being written more than once), but moreso, that it doesn’t really dig deeper to the other side of things.

disclaimer: i am single. i am not engaged to be married. and of my close friends – very few are married. i base this blog post based on my experiences and those in my varied circle. when i say men or women, i clearly do not mean ALL men or ALL women. kthx.

let’s dissect the post (in usual kb styles)

I’ve seen several women boast that they are excellent wife material. I suppose by definition, they’re absolutely right. They are the materials that can eventually make a wife, just like a tree is material that can eventually make paper. We also wouldn’t make paper out of the fully grown tree that has tons of rotting areas, at least until we remove them first. The same can be said for women, if she hasn’t matured she’s not really ready to be made someone’s wife. If she’s got rotten areas, caused by things in previous relationships or experiences, until those things are addressed, she’s not ready to be made into a wife product available on the market.

i don’t know how i feel about women being compared to trees (i supposed they are both living breathing objects). but maybe i’m just being overly sensitive.

but for the record, i’ve been called wife material by several of my exes. (and one was planning on putting a ring on it before i broke off the relationship.) so while some of these women might be boasting they are wife material – dig and find out who is telling them that? wife material is the new swindle (well..not so new). it’s something dudes are telling women to distract them from reality, set them up for falls, and plays on the exact societal standards that all women want to be married that men tell us to not be all wrapped up in. it’s not as shady as saying i love you without meaning it, but fellas are using this as a tool in today’s dating game to deceive.

and my question is – what if she has addressed them? does that automatically put in her the running towards becoming america’s next top model a wife? probably not.

#YouArentWifeMaterial If you’re still stating how independent you are and aren’t ready to let go of that title.

i agree with this. the more that you have to say what you are, the more likely you are the complete opposite. people who are outgoing, don’t have to tell people- they just are. i get annoyed by the women shouting from the rooftops, how independent they are – don’t talk about it,  just be it. that being said, if you are a woman who reads books, blogs etc written by men – one of the things that always comes up is a women that has her own (life, hobbies, friends etc.). this is touted as a trait a man wants in his woman. i’m guessing some are just taking it too far.

#YouArentWifeMaterial if you’re talking to your significant other or guy you date like they’re your employee.

i found it interesting that in the same paragraph he states that a relationship is a ‘equal power dynamic’, but turns around and says: I collect no salary from you and last I checked if anything you should be checking with me more often than the reverse.

um. checking with you for what? presumably – if im just being considered a wife, it means i’m not one yet. which means we’re just dating. what part of the game is this? if im to treat you as my equal – why do i suddenly have to treat you like you are above me and i  can no longer make decisions? but again, maybe i’m just reading this through a women’s eyes and not getting what was meant here.

#YouArentWifeMaterial if you’re talking to your significant other like they’re your child.  If your partner is similar to a child, then you failed more than they have. Therefore, don’t talk down to your partner, don’t give orders and expect things to be done on your time, and don’t have a stunned look if there is resistance. Adults respect adults.

i would think that you aren’t friend or relationship material either in this case. but i also fail to see how one person’s traits is the failure of the other person. the only thing that is my fault – is staying in a relationship in which i feel compelled to speak to someone as though they are a child. but if your partner is similar to a child, you can’t be expected to be respected and treated like an adult. act like one, and you’ll get treated accordingly.

continued tomorrow…

this ended up being MUCH longer than i expected, so on the advice of the professionals – i split it into two parts for your reading pleasure and enjoyment. lol.

kbe.

what say y’all? thoughts on the post thus far? are these universal truths, common sense or just one man’s particulars?

music moves me: ex-factor

despite having 9 million other things on my brain – sometimes my ex (and other past fellows and loves) cross my mind. the most recent ex, crosses the mind path more than others because a) it’s fresher b)the wound and impact is much deeper c)knowing him as i do (or thought i did) – the story is still not finished.

(that’s not wishful thinking on my part – just the reality of him and the story of us.)

lauryn hill has been on my mind of late, and i finally ripped the cd to my itunes (the macbook is new and it’s going to be a process to do this with all my discs).

between the ex and lauryn hill – there is no better song for music moves me than ex-factor.

(sidenote: i always loved artists more when they shared the lyrics to their songs in the liner notes)

everything about this song speaks to some part of my experience with dude. some that i know probably should have never happened, and others that im glad did.

It could all be so simple
But you’d rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

as you get older, you know love isn’t the fairy tale, and that you have to put in work to get it. but sometimes it’s easy to mistake work and compromise for pain and hardship. especially if you are knee-deep in a love that makes no sense.

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can’t stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

i never ever ever would have thought i’d be THAT girl – the back and forth, im sure my friends are over giving me advice that i refuse to take what good is there in this relationship – kind of girl. i became her.

No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain’t workin’
It ain’t workin’
And when I try to walk away
You’d hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

while he never hurt himself to make me stay, he made me feel as though i’d hurt him when i tried to walk away. in the end – i think he wanted to be the one to do the walking first.

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can’t be with no one else

while i thought we’d eventually work out shit out and end up together, im no longer naive enough to think there isn’t better out there for me. i’ve had better. i know what unstruggle love is. reciprocated in words and action love. it exists. i just need to get my mind, body, soul, spirit and heart right to find it. (or let it find me).

See I know what we got to do
You let go and I’ll let go too

each time i ended things – i did it because i had had enough. but there was always something in me that kept a glimmer of hope. call it pride, stubbornness or just wanting to see a return on my investment. but my ideal was always for him to call it quits, so that i could close the books forever. until he was ready to let me go – there was never going to be an ending. plus he kept fighting to keep me – it’s hard to walk away from that. until you realize that the fight was all in him and his head. he never needed to fight to have me.

‘Cause no one’s hurt me more than you
And no one ever will

i think back to all the words we’ve ever exchanged. and some of the last ones he ever wrote to me – will impact me forever. forgiveness is required to move on and live a full life. forgetting is a whole other story. no one has hurt me more than him – and nothing ever will.

kbe.

QOTW: what brings out the worst in people?

i like her dress.

this, like many of the questions posted on the site is a good one.

my first reaction to this question was: twitter. (anyone that is active on it, knows the good, bad and ugly of it). sometimes having the ability to say whatever you want is NOT a good thing.

but in digging deeper, and in thinking about my personal life the answer is quite simply life. and the circle of it. word to sir elton.

nothing brings out the best and worst in people than life or death situations in equal proportions.

maybe it’s the human flight or fight instinct – but there are those who rise to the occasion of doing for their fellow-man, and there are others who run and or use it as an opportunity to gain for themselves.

for all the opportunists that do utterly inhumane things like this, there are oh so many more that do great things. not for the fame or fortune – but because it’s just good karma.

kbe.

what do y’all think?

 

written word: desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.

But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

— Max Ehrmann, 1927

kb’s thoughts: these words are timeless and have been floated around and quoted for years. i love so many things about this but “be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be” is one of my faves.

written word: poem eleven by warsan shire

i love this pic.

scrolling through google reader – i was in a clutch post that referenced this poem.

i like poems – so thought, let me look.

since im posting it here – clearly i gave it many a finger snaps.

poem eleven

-for women who are ‘difficult’ to love.you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love

written by warsan shire.

all i do is sigh.

kbe.

for more go to here: http://warsanshire.blogspot.ca

what say you? any writers/poems you’d like to share?

written word: the king and his queen

as i think about all the secrets she holds
i stand in awe and wonder – if they will ever be revealed
if anyone knows her beyond the surface curves

she is protected by a king, who promises to shield her name
like a groom to his bride
he will protect her from those who try to use her
for their own pleasure
even if it’s at their own peril

the tide ebbs and flows
crashing against the sand
like clockwork
always on time, with no schedule in mind to meet

being in her presence, is like meeting royalty
or better yet, the greatest mother of nature

she can calm and scold
but she can rock and soothe your body and soul
she will never forget to greet you with a genuine wave hello
and tell you bedtime stories until you drift off into a peaceful slumber

you wonder what her wants and needs are
as she, like most mothers, gives more than she takes
never asks for much in return
always with her heart and arms wide open

i close my eyes and can still see
nothing but limitless potential
reflecting the never-ending skies through the sun and God’s tears

her beauty is in her strength
her pride and hope will never drown
she will continue to do, what she has always done, until the end of time.

i look at her, and realize i am more like her than i ever knew
meeting her for the first time, was both exciting in its newness and it’s familiarity
and am grateful for being able to look into her soul and see a little bit of me

leaving her was like closing a life’s chapter
but it was really was opening another
and i await with impatient breath until we meet again
wondering if the next time will be as wonderous as the first time

so until then, i will close my eyes
and listen for the sound of your heartbeat
and remember that in making your acquaintance
the pleasure was all mine

06/08/09

kbe.

QOTW: your life now vs five years ago

i’ve been having conversations with two close friends of mine, about how drastically different life can be, just a mere 365 days later.

so this question, is slightly hard to answer – but will give it a try!

financially – less debt, more savings, more options for the future

emotionally – more aware of who i am

friendships – are stronger, and those that weren’t good for me, ended as they needed to.

romantically – i..um..yeah. O_o

family – have good relationships with most of my siblings

career – have moved up, gained enough skills and confidence to open my side business

overall – my life is better because i am alive and blessed to have come through hard times with my health, heart and hope intact.

kbe.

what say you? if five years is too hard – how is your life better from just one year ago?

written word: missing half

Walking along a nature trail
Basking in the small wonders offered to hear and see
I reach for your hand that isn’t there
So I’m forced once again, to walk alone

I dream of your delight at the sight of me
A delight that never comes
A dream that goes unanswered
I wonder sometimes if you are a figment of my imagination
Like the lack of pigment in my discoloration
The painting I made for you, slowly receding and becoming a blank canvas once again

I lie in a bed too big my body
But big enough for all my burdens and expectations to roam free in
Turning and reaching for you in my sleep
Only to wake up with the familiar feeling of your body not becoming the pillow I hold instead

I observe a couple saying goodbye
Although, there are no decipherable words, her pain and agony apparent with each sob
I admonish myself for being jealous of the sadness she feels
Being free to shed tears, knowing there is someone there to catch them

She prepares herself for the long walk
Knowing half her heart is gone,
But she knows all that she needs to know where her missing half is
And that she’ll be able to find it – in the same spot she left it

I wonder, not for the first time
If fate has played a trick on me again
Repeating a different history
If I am doomed to learn the same lessons
The hard, harder and hardest way

Each time my hope shatters
I lose part of the puzzle
That only seems to get bigger and harder to solve
The stakes are higher than ever before
With time running out
I’m scared that the things I tell myself is only a means of shielding myself from reality
That the things I say to you, aren’t really truth
Knowing they can never be
Knowing that’s part of the problem