the disconnect: recapping my social media fast

yep. that's pretty accurate...

my journey with God is like any other – has stop signs, question marks and detours.

but i’ve been very lucky to have come into my life, people who encourage me to continue to take my baby steps. my friend is currently in the middle of  a social network fast, as part of Purpose Driven Life. 40 days of no Facebook or Twitter.

i’m sure my face looked a little something like this:

you want me to do what now?

so as a way to support her, but also engage my faith a little bit more, i decided to do a social media fast on the weekends. this meant, turning my data off to receive no BBM messages. I could not tweet or do any facebooking (is facebook a verb yet?) from the phone or computer. and after talking to my friend max – i was off blogs as well, as it feeds much of my social media interactions.

the 1st weekend was easy. i kept myself busy outside, made dates with friends that i’m always saying i need to catch up with and enjoyed life. i sat in peace and quiet, opened Microsoft Word and wrote. was able to produce some of my best writing to date i think. i also forgot to warn people that i would be scarce, so it was nice to see the APB in search of me monday at midnight. not tweeting during the Eagles/football games was probably the hardest part.

the second weekend, i repeated the same thing. the last hour became a little difficult, because i had spent so much time with people offline, i didn’t start my blog post. and waiting until midnight..meant a late night of writing and proofreading to meet my self-imposed deadlines. thankfully i had some drafts that i could amend quickly.

this past weekend was to be the last. i failed right from the beginning, as i was out until 3am on Friday night (not my typical Friday night). i was tweeting with folk at 2am, when i realized i wasn’t supposed to be. so figured, i’d start fresh when i woke up in the morning. (plus, we all know the day hasn’t changed until you’ve gone to sleep). i managed to avoid everything, turning my data on only once, as i had plans with people whom i didn’t have their cell numbers. (makes me wonder why and how that is!).

then something happened that upset me. i was alone in my temporary home, and didn’t know who to call. didn’t know if i really wanted to talk to anyone. so i broke my fast, so that i can tweet and be part of a bigger collective. i wanted to take my mind off of what had just happened, so that i didn’t sit, brood and let it fester. i considered briefly not going out – but made a conscious effort to get ready because staying in would have had long-term negative consequences. instead of sub-tweeting, i went out and had a blast. i woke up late sunday morning, spoke to my mom and tweeted happily with my fellow NFL fans. i also wrote this post instead of putting my podcasts in. so while i failed on some fronts, i like to think i did well on others.

i thoroughly admire my bestie for her resolve. i clearly couldn’t make it through 6 full days, much less the idea of 40. people might scoff and say, that you are twitter-obsessed or need to get a life…but i’d challenge people to remove a part of their lives for any period of time and report back to me.  i also have immense respect for those who practice fasting during Ramadan. this fast was something relatively simple. this didn’t require early to rise, late to bed, with nothing in between but prayer.

the time i took to be disconnected, wasn’t just to spend time with people. it was to also get my faith work-out on. I downloaded podcasts and made notes of the messages. and as usual when i would attend a service – the message was always on point. and would resonate with me throughout the week.

i found that i was more relaxed and refreshed coming out of these weekends. i felt like i had a new body of armour, that allowed me to face the work week with confidence. sadly..the 5 days a week, 8+hours of the day of negativity and stress tended to trump the 2 days, 48hrs of rest, relaxation and wonderful feeling of feeling blessed.

there is something to be said, for taking the time to disconnect from all the e-chatter and reconnect with oneself. moving forward, i plan to do this at least 1 day a week. taking the time to feed my mind, body and spirit.

i put it to you all to do the same.

has anyone else done something like this? what is your journey like? let’s share and connect!

kbe.

Related articles

• Facebook, Twitter, Google+ or Unthink? (kapiti.seniornet.co.nz)

the diary: solving the singlehood problem

my very own aha moment! auntie oprah would be so proud!

I’ve figured it out – why so many 30somethings are single!

*waits for my Nobel Peace, Science and Math Prize.

It’s not because we think our degrees will keep us warm at night. (Word to Very Smart Brothas). It’s not because our standards are too high or too low. It’s actually quite simple.

Talk a long walk with me.

If you are in your late 20’s (and I mean REAL LATE), to your mid 30’s. you’ve been raised in a certain way. You had a healthy fear respect of your parents. You were taught to have values and standards on how to be a lady and how a man should treat her. The internet was in its infancy, along with social medias such as chat rooms, instant messaging and emails.

We’re of a generation that didn’t grow up with camera phones, skype, facetime, online dating and social networks. We certainly didn’t get to see, hear, and watch some of the things that we do now. There were rules. And boundaries. Yeah, we were once young, and did curious and foolish things. But they weren’t caught on camera and put on YouTube. (See, Cole, Amber). <-dont actually see her though.

So in essence, so many of us are single because we are traditional/old-fashioned in a modern world.

I love my technology as much as the next gal – the touchscreens, gchat, the twitter, the tumblr, the blogs, the bbm when it works…but I still expect a man to ask me for my number and use it (in a proper way and in a timely manner).

I maintain, that prior to a first date, we talk about what we like and don’t like. That we each offer ideas on what to do and where to go. That a time, date and place is mutually agreed upon. And from there – I plan nothing else but my outfit.

I hope that he’ll either pick me up from my location (might not be my house) and at least offer to see me arrive home safely. Especially if it’s a late night.

I expect that if he initiated all parts of this process, that he’s the one to pay (yes.. I know this is going to stir some debate. Don’t blame feminism…blame our fathers).

The major conflict comes in when men don’t want to or feel they need to subscribe to these traditional/old-fashioned values. They want to be able to text and bbm their way into our panties hearts. Who wants to take a girl out, spend money on her if the ROI is going to be low? Why waste precious time, getting to know a chick – if all I really want to do is the wickedest slam? And since that’s the fastest route to some men, some women throw caution and their standards to the wind, offering all that and more in 30 seconds or less.

I know that women feel like they get blamed for relationship woes, but in the end..it does begin and start with us. Having a grocery shopping list of ‘requirements’ is different from having a basic list of standards that any man who you want to bump n grind with should meet. One is like your Christmas Wishlist (that once included a pony). The other is like what a new home-owner should ask the real estate agent.

Now I recognize that it is easier said than done. There are many obstacles, including our hormones, and dudes who smell oh-so-good, with that perfect amount of facial scruff and…i…um..

those lips...those arms...

Sorry. Lost train of thought.

In the end you have a choice – to maintain or to adapt. To maintain, doesn’t mean that you will be alone forever and a day – it just might mean it will take you longer to find that yin to your yang.  To adapt, doesn’t mean you have to compromise your entire value system either. It’s about balance and trusting your instincts.

Humans are the only creatures on Earth that try to outsmart and outfox their innate instincts. How does that usually work out for ya?

I’ll wait.

These days, I am learning to pick my battles.

A dude that is into me..but doesn’t call as often as I’d like or refuses to re-add me to his bbm even though I’ve deleted him twice  isn’t automatically a jerk that is hiding a secret life. A dude who gives you relationship titles and terms in language that you both speak, but doesn’t say THE words that we’ve traditionally wanted to hear – is still giving you what you want. Just in a different way than what you want. In a microwave world, he may move like a tortoise in quicksand, but it teaches you patience, to slow down and enjoy life. Food from a slow cooker >>>> instant.

I’ve tried to become the modern chick, but it goes against my mind, body, soul, heart and perhaps the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. My values and principles may not keep me warm every at night, but that’s what blankets are for.

Until the right one comes along, who wants, appreciates and respects all parts of me.

And that’s definitely worth waiting for.

kbe.

ps: as a chick that has been single for a good not-so-hot minute now, i am the first to say that being single is not a disease nor a problem that actually needs to be solved. but if you read blogs or are on any social networks…it seems to be constantly presented as such. the title of this post is more in jest than anything else. there is nothing wrong with being single. it sucks, can be lonely, frustrating, expensive and painful – but it doesn’t have to be.  it is only a problem, if you make it one.  the choice is yours.

the diary: first date blues

the stank negro please look. i promise i didnt make that face...

Gather round children..it’s story time.

Met a fella recently. We exchanged neutral pleasantries and BlackBerry Pins¹. We eventually exchanged numbers. We decided to meet up, so made plans for Thursday at around 6pm. I suggested drinks, so that no one needed to feel invested in a meal, but it would still be early enough should we change our minds².

Dude called me around 9:30pm to apologize for work running over-schedule and asked if I still wanted to meet. I opted for no as 3.5 hours of waiting is BEYOND my threshold³. We re-scheduled for Friday.

Friday we reconfirmed that we are indeed meeting around 630ish. The night before, I mentioned that I would be downtown for work and am currently residing downtown.  I call him when I finish work, ask where he’d like to meet and re-iterate my current location. I suggested a major hub of the city, where there are plenty of options (food, drinks, coffee, movies, dessert and people watching). He was concerned about parking, so I suggested someplace else, close to the highway and with parking right beside the suggested venue. Still a no.

So he asked me to make other suggestions⁴. I really couldn’t come up with anything, since it was Friday after a long week and I was pretty tired. He asks if I can travel to west-end⁵ to meet up a mall that also has about 4 restaurants in it. I’m not happy about it, but I said sure. I tell him it will be about 40 mins via train.

I get there and he’s just parking. We eventually meet, greet and hug hello. He asks what I’d like to do, and I say im starving, I’d like to go eat. He mentions he’s already eaten, but will just watch me eat.

Now, I’ll have to take responsibility here as our original plan was just to do something simple and go from there, BUT am annoyed as I had a great dinner waiting in the fridge that I could’ve eaten.  I made assumptions that since he knew I’m coming straight from work – that I wouldn’t have time to stop and eat. I also made the assumption that we’d figure out what we really wanted to do…together. Alas. Those will be the last assumptions ever made on my part.

this is an accurate depiction. except the outdoors part

We walk to restaurant #1, where the lineup is ridiculous. We walk to restaurant #2 where the wait is 40 minutes. Now, anyone would have been able to figure out that a Friday night, at one of the major mall/date destinations (it also has a movie theatre), on a chilly evening – it would be busy. But I figure since he suggested this destination, that he would have had a clue. Clearly not.

So we decide to leave the mall. He asks where I’d like to eat and I tell him, that since I am not familiar with the area that well, maybe he’d like to give me ideas on what is close by so that I can figure it out. He goes on his phone to find some places…and nothing pops up. I know that a local chicken place is around the corner, and at this point, my hunger and annoyance are starting to marry into one emotion – so I suggest there.

We get in the car and he takes a work call. We get to the joint, order food⁶ and he takes another work call. He’s a self-employed business owner. I am understanding..to a point. When we sit down, and try to have a ‘normal’ rest-of first date, he takes and makes at least 2-3 more calls.

That’s when I tweeted:

I’m tweeting. That means that this dude has taken and made more than ONE phone call while eating. #fail

He asked me if I was mad and I said no. which was the truth, I didn’t care enough to build and develop any emotions. But I went to honour my commitments and my word.  I told him I was annoyed, as that’s not really good date etiquette. Do you want to know what this negro said?

‘Well sorry, I’m not a planner’.⁷

Picture steam coming out of my ears cartoon-style. Like this

add greasy chicken fingers..and some colour...

We continued to make small talk, asking typical questions (what are you looking for, what’s the dating scene like for you etc..) and then I decided to call it a night.  I said, he can just drop me off at the train station. Which he did.

While saying my terse but friendly goodbyes, he asked when he’d get to see me next.  I did my best not to give him the NEGRO YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING look, said good night, hopped out of the car to make my trek back to my current residence⁸.

My twitter mentions to my while-still-on-date tweet were hilarious:

• Say. It. Ain’t. So. Taking calls. While eating. Tell me this isn’t a first date.
• *facepalm like a mug*
• oh man! This dude is violating…
• Ewww… So much #fail, so little time…
• A single tear just ran down my face. I’m weeping for mankind.
• #DatingBatman (<-this literally made me laugh out loud)
• Unless he’s a doctor and he’s on call he’s an ass. Sorry love.
• (a twitter peep who is actually a doctor replied to the above with a very good point): you don’t go on dates or drink when you’re on call. #thatisall

He sent me a message asking if I got home safely (always a nice touch fellas if you didn’t drop her at her location).

The following day, he sent me a message asking if I had fun. I replied with the following:

Hey, just got your message. I’ll be honest, that I didn’t really. I travelled across town to end up at MB’s and had to travel back. I also think its impolite to conduct business on a first date with someone. I think I’m looking for someone who dates a little more often than you do and has a better understanding what it entails. Good luck with your search and your biz.

So the next time someone asks why im single, and that I need to stop pushing the eligible men that want me away… I might just refer to this blog post as just an example of what we need to sift through to get to the good stuff.

Onto the next tub of ice cream one…

(a hint for my readers…he may be closer than you think)

kbe.

**UPDATE**

So as anticipated.. I heard from the dude again. And I had a feeling it wasn’t going to be an apology..

He says:

Wow I didn’t know it was my fault we ended up there lol. U suggested that we go there. I can’t control wait times at restaurants. For two I work for myself and sometimes I have to take calls when times r not good. U should know that u do business urself. Obviously u r not a understanding person because u would have talk to me on the phone not buy text and work it out.  thanks for showing me that. Don’t even bother replying back. Have a nice life

at first.. i was going to let it go. but me being me (bad case of the last word-itis), had to get my final two cents in:

Actually, I find this humorous. You made me come west, with no clue where to go. I obviously don’t live there. MB’s/mall the only thing I knew. You weren’t giving any suggestions. Good luck finding a grown woman that expects more from a grown ass man. I would call if I was interested. I was trying to be honest. Clearly you can’t handle that. Good luck with that.

He responded that he doesn’t have trouble finding women. He seems to have forgotten telling me (when he wasnt conducting business) that he doesn’t go out much because he doesn’t have time and doesn’t even remember the last time he went out on a date. SOOOO…..

Yeah.

I blame women who settle for a man who has a job and car, but no clue on how to actually TREAT a person for men with this wack-ass mentality. If we forced dudes to step their games up..they might just actually have to.

Moving right along…

footnotes:

1 – iphoners always mock bb users for their love of bbm. But when you meet a stranger, you have the option of giving him a way to communicate with you and if you don’t like him, deleting without stalking capabilities or major repercussions. This is a MAJOR selling feature to the bb/bbm for a single gal. and yes..dudes that stalk your phone number exist. Praise the lord for call manager.

2 – im also more than just a pretty face. Im kinda smart too.

3 – this should be beyond ANYONES threshold.

4 – losing counts of strikes in this conversation. It’s Friday, im tired. Im hungry. And thoroughly annoyed that he hadn’t thought about this prior to our conversation since this was technically supposed to take place the day before.

5 – anyone that knows me (and this guy doesn’t), knows that me travelling west is a deep commitment. West end is like foreign territory to me with a different language and foreign exchange (no not this one).

6 – yes. He paid. All $12.00. I guess I am a cheap date.

7 – im a planner by trade and nature.  So that comment offended me on about 3.75 different levels. The 1^st being.. what the hell does planning have to do with date etiquette!?!?!!

8 – due to construction in my house, im staying downtown. In an area close to shelters and parks full of transients. Not the greatest area to be walking around by oneself at night. And yes, dude knew this.

five and a 1/2 weeks later: a reflection of a rookie blogger

sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday love!

i’ve been officially a blogger for a little over a month now.

*pops champagne prosecco.

what an interesting and fun experience it has been.

sure, a part of it is the ego boost and thrill of excitement each time someone subscribes or comments, but it’s being able to share my views of the world, with the world.

it’s amazing to see and find inspiration everywhere – in a song on a commute to work, eating ice cream while watching grey’s anatomy. every conversation. every movie. every moment is an opportunity to turn it into a story read by others. that moves others. to laugh, sing or cry along.

the best kind of blogs are the ones that are genuinely written. the ones where you feel like you are in conversation with the author. you don’t feel ashamed to answer their call to be a part of the conversation, share parts of you with them and their followers.

but is there a cost to all of this liking and sharing?

as you share more about yourself, you are increasing your e-profile and character for others to judge.  while the anonymity of the internet allows you to create a completely different persona from who one really is in life – more often than not, there is truth to the words being typed, and a real person behind that avi picture who truly holds those views and opinions.

he might go by the name blackadonis...

i read a blog post a few weeks ago, that made me think about my experiences with that particular topic. then something happened. and i didn’t really know how to deal with it – so i started writing. i wrote about things that very few of my 3D friends know about.

after proofreading, and checking the stats – i sat. and waited. and hovered over hitting that publish button. i thought about what people would think of me upon reading it. if it would change people’s opinions of me. if it would change my dating prospects. if i was ready to have people dissect me and my life.

i decided to ask the opinion of those that i know would give me honest truths. some are bloggers, others were the besties who know me well. the feedback was humbling and showed me that i know and have some kick-ass people in my life. from offers to write an accompanying post on their personal blogs so that i wasn’t putting myself out there alone, to reminding me that words have the power to change lives for the better to just simple words of encouragement – i have been given so many reasons why i should post it.

and yet. still it remains in my private folder.

we all know that everything that you put on the internet, is there forever. and while i dont write under the gubment name, it’s not too hard to figure out who i am (especially if you are on twitter).

i’ll still pass the google test though. *shrug*

when soliciting advice, i was reminded about my friend ms evahoney’s guest post on my girl gemmie’s blog. i thought it was incredibly courageous to share her heart, soul and pain with the world. the issues with mental health in the black community are well documented, and the fact that someone used her post as the catalyst to take an important first step in their life is nothing short of amazing. i also had a great conversation with one of my blogging inspirations max:

M: i don’t think that you should worry about how you are perceived as a result of the post. i think the only thing you should be worried about is giving people access to that information about you….not that there is anything wrong with that and not that i would anticipate any judgement or negative feedback but you know…we all have our lines

if you’re comfortable with posting it, then post it. there is no good writing without telling the truth about yourself. and all writers use their personal experiences for readers. that’s the nature of the craft.

me: yeah. that’s my worry. if i post as is..that’s me putting the deepest parts of me out there to be read and judged. because of the topic, i know it could help someone if posted as is but…i dunno.

M: but there are no safeguards against judgement,  nor should it stop anyone from telling their truth. (so full of wisdom this woman!!!)

me: true enough.   lol. i may use excerpts from this convo in the post.

M: feel free

i’ve had some great moments so far in this blogs infancy. every post that i’ve published is a reflection of each side of me, the sporty, argumentative, knowledgeable, emotional music-lover. i like discovering new fun things about WordPress. i like being pushed to meet my self-imposed deadlines and to sitdown in quiet with only the computer keys as the only noise in the room. i love the love from my friends who have told me to do this forever and a day ago.

i love the possibilities and an outlet to share my creativity with the world.

i still don’t know what i’ll do with that post. maybe i’ll publish it. maybe i’ll re-write it. maybe i just needed to write about it to make sure it doesn’t eat away at my soul.

but i do hope that you stay tuned to find out.

(with humble gratitude,)

kbe.

ps: my most popular post to date was written at the last minute and was encouraged by my twitter peeps. if you have something you want to see me write about, i’m up for taking suggestions!

Related articles

• Writing a Blog Isn’t About Numbers (freetech4teachers.com)
• Are You a One-Hit Wonder Blogger? (blogworld.com)

written word: be good to it

strong enough for a man, makes a woman...

it’s full and it’s empty.
it’s ready and it’s heavy.
it’s held together by a fragile string, and one tug could be its undoing.

it’s strong and weak all in the same breath while being as strong as steel and as fragile as an eggshell.

it’s life and what sometimes feels like death.
we think we know it’s shape and what it can handle.
we take its ability to form who we are for granted -
for it can make you someone you never thought you would be.

it’s depth is as powerful as its resiliency.
it can be broken, shattered and ache with as many emotions as colours of the rainbow -
but it’s healing powers rival that of certain xmen.

it can speak so loud, drowning out the voices of millions against you
but will also be a gentle friend in the quietest room -
whispering your secrets are safe with me.

it’s your very own bank vault -
a pandora’s box
made for you to open when you are ready to do so

and sometimes when you aren’t.

it knows your truest self, even if and especially when you don’t.
you can’t outlast it, outsmart it or run from it.

if it were an olympian – it would beat phelps in the water and bolt on land

it if were a hero – it would be a nurse, a firefighter and a teacher

it would clean up at the academy awards,winning best supporting role
best director
best sound
best editing
best song and of course, best movie

it supports you when you can’t support yourself -
but not when you won’t.
it supports you when you can’t love yourself -
but not when you don’t.

it’s beautiful in the eyes of all beholders.
even with all its scars, it’s not afraid to be naked.

it’s ok when you keep it to yourself, but great when you share it.

it’s mine to nurture, until it’s time to give it away.

and i want nothing more -
and nothing less.

kbe.

4/09

music moves me: fall for your type

the emo factor is high

i read a good number of blogs. i’d say the majority of them (but not by much) are written by men.

the best part about reading about love, sex and relationships from a male perspective, is the sometimes brutal truth about how they REALLY think. the things a dude can’t and won’t say to your face when he’s trying to get inside the walls.

we as women receive a lot of advice on what to do, to catch the eye of, woo, seduce, get and keep a man. we’re told to settle for less, lower our standards, think outside the box (and by box i mean racial subgroup).

• you need to stop spouting your education and independence as a quality that we look for or care about.
• you need to stop looking up for the 6′ feet or taller and start looking at or below sea-level.
• you need to stop waiting for your prince in a dry-cleaned white starchy collar and look for the blue one.
• you shouldn’t mind if he’s doesn’t match your level of ambition or how many kids he has…if he as at least 4 out of 10 on your list…consider yourself lucky.

men are never given this advice. (and even if they were…they certainly wouldn’t listen).

that’s why the song fall for your type by jamie foxx song feat drake is so eye-roll/whale-face worthy. at best.

the concept of the song is a dude who is in lust love like with a party chick with a past and he’s wondering why he keeps falling for the same type of chick.

I swear, I always fall for your type
For your type.
Tell me why, I always fall for your type
For your type.
I just can’t explain this shit at all

maybe because you are constantly hollering at ones that look like this:

seriously. why is the chick always naked and the dude fully clothed?

i get that men are ‘visual creatures’ and will go for what they are attracted to first,  foremost and always – but isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing and expecting different results?

if you are repeatedly being blinded by the long hair, and sick ass-to-waist ratio and never really taking the time to get to know a woman with clothes on before knowing if her belly button is pierced – why are you surprised by the results?

the song says at one point:

Cause who am I to judge you on the past, girl
I bet there’s a reason for it all
You say that you’re nothing like the last girl
I just pray that you don’t let me down right now
But it’s too late ’cause I’m already yours
You just gotta promise me hearts won’t break
And end up like before

unless you are dating someone that has never dated or been in an intimate relationship before – everyone has a past. some are better than others at not allowing the disappointments of the past to affect how they interact with people in their present or future.

it should be up to you to control and contain your own baggage, not the responsibility of the other person. the next person is not guaranteed to be like the last, and shouldn’t be unfairly requested to not fall in that persons’ shadow. it is human nature to make comparisons and draw conclusions – but what seems to be missing a lot of the time in the conversation about relationships is a lack of personal accountability. you have made the choices to pursue the person that you did (especially in the male case, as they usually are the pursuer and not the pursued.)

when you recognize that you have a type that you always seem to fall for, and it never ends up being a healthy relationship (if that indeed is what you are seeking) – maybe it’s time to look at who you are falling for and why you keep making the same decisions over and over.

my hope and wish for the world, is that men could start taking some of their own advice.  try the woman with short natural hair. the woman with a few extra curves in some of the right and wrong places. the woman who has degrees that don’t keep her warm at night, but shows that she can commit to something and invests in herself. the woman who doesn’t NEED a man, but wants a MAN. more Kim Jones, less Kim you-already-know. the woman who may dance like this

And you dance, dance like ballet and shit? Oh.

and maybe less of the woman who dances like this (in public, for money or less)

they do i suppose...

ironically enough, there is something i do like about the song. i can’t pinpoint what exactly, but it’s on my iPod nonetheless.

*shrugs*

at the end of the day, you don’t really get to pick who you fall for.

hopefully when you do, it’s for someone that will have you land in a safe and great place.

because falling without a safety net, it’s really falling at all.

kbe.

written word: the intervention (rated spicy)

the most powerful drug of them all

your love is like a drug
a substance that my body is addicted to
i know this when on the days i want to quit you
need to absolve and walk away from you – that i can’t

all i can do is reminisce and remember how good you felt
a jolt to the senses
that sent shivers up and down my spine
curling my toes
making my body lighter and heavier
than it had ever been before

you are an all-encompassing drug
you speed up my heart rate
and put me to sleep
make me see stars
and transport me to a heavenly place
i speak in tongues as you use yours
your cough medicine soothing my throat
so that i can curse your name
for all to hear

you are the best kind of drug
cures all that ails me
the more i have, the more i want
no doctor appointment needed
not fda approved
even though not just anyone could handle the amount of healing you offer
a prescription written only for me
and that only you can fill
and fulfill
to the fullest

what you do to me should be considered illegal
as illicit thoughts of you and i encompass my mind
all day and every day
all night and every night
an addiction like no other

melts on your tongue, not in your hands

word on the streets is that yours is the exclusive shit
many would want a piece
but only a chosen few have gotten
a taste of the tablet that melts in my mouth
to inhale the scent that makes me weak at the knees
to feel your needle pierce into me
the syringe expelling a sweet release
the spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down
after you do

i can’t only compare you to drugs on the street
even though i would sell my body
to get a taste, a hit of what you are offering
wanting it anywhere and everywhere
your love also has the power to heal
making me feel good from the inside out
the power to change my organic chemistry
making it react to you – however you want

i wake up each morning
wanting to start the day with the recommended dose of you
one to three times daily
morning, noon and night
like milk – doing the body good
this addiction is one that i can’t shake
the withdrawals giving me the shakes

i count down the days, minutes and seconds
until i can have your love again
because like with any addiction

i can’t live without it

and i wouldn’t want to

even if i could.

kbe

(written july 09)

the rebuttal: good women vs good men and the friend zone

of COURSE we're thinking the same thing!

what is a friend?

Webster’s definition is:

• one attached to another by affection or esteem
• one that is not hostile
• a favored companion

that seems nice. wouldn’t you want to be a favoured (im Canadian) companion attached to a person by affection or esteem? no?

oh.

so what is this infamous friend zone i keep reading about?

Urban Dictionary (which says something in of itself) says:

A state of being where a male inadvertently becomes a ‘platonic friend’ of an attractive female who he was trying to initiate a romantic relationship. Females have been rumored to arrive in the Friend Zone, but reports are unsubstantiated.¹

i’d bet my airfare to DC that this definition was written by a dude who wanted a chick, and she shot him down. but i digress.

i was forwarded a link to a blog post today by WisdomIsMisery on Single Black Male titled: The Friend Zone: Where Good Men Are Punished for Being Good Men. the person who sent me the post, usually never steers me wrong. i read the title and braced myself and read most of the post and then closed it. and then closed my eyes and sighed. (and then tweeted)

this post is NOT about shade, just my rebuttal to it WiM’s thoughts. a proper debate has two sides, and leaving long-ass comments is usually frowned upon. plus..it produces more hits for the original author and keeps the conversation going.. WIN-WIN I say!!

my thoughts start with the title. this whole notion of ‘good’ men being ‘punished’ is ridiculous. because there is no way to know what the definition of ‘good’ is. it is in the eye of the beholder, like beauty. ‘good’ changes based on your culture, religion and geography. heck, it probably also changes with age and time.

being rejected is never easy. rejecting someone is also difficult. but to say that letting someone down easy is  punishment is a little hyperbolic to say the least. the entire post to me is summarized by a sense of entitlement, that many of the same people have told women to NOT have. if i had the time to search, i would look for the comments that pretty much try to drill in women, that being a single, independent, educated, great, willing and open to compete in bedroom Olympic games DOES NOT entitle you to a man…much less a good one.  and yet..based on this post – being a good man means he MUST be considered for boo-dom.

other thoughts on the post include:

Let me open by stating that men and women can be friends

-i used to believe this. i want to believe this. but based on some recent occurences by someone i’m supposedly friends with, have known for years and trusted…i’m not quite sure about this any more. let’s just move on…

Telling a man who likes you as more than a friend that you see him as “just a friend” is the most offensive thing you can say to him next to “I’ve had better” or asking “Is it in, yet?”

-i get that it’s not the answer you want..but really? it’s THE most offensive thing? is it because it boils down to you never hearing her asking you if it’s in yet? (and who are really the women asking this question any ways???)

What both statements are really saying is, “I’m sorry, you are not qualified to fill this open position. Thank you for interviewing. Would you like to work in this unpaid, non-benefit internship instead?”

-have you ever read a job posting and after reading the description, you read the skills and abilities list the company is seeking? you keep checking things off, and start getting excited because it seems like this job is FIT and MADE for you? so of course you apply..but guess what.. you don’t get the job, or worse – don’t even get an interview. it’s a kick in the teeth and makes you wonder about the hiring practices, if the company was honest about really seeking a person – but at the end of the day, just because you were qualified for the position, doesn’t mean anything. you are not entitled to receive a thank you for sending your application, a phone call to sell yourself in person and certainly not the title and compensation.

It makes no sense for you to get offended when you are trying to give us something we didn’t even ask for in the first place

-who now? what now? where dey do dat at? we get offended when you get mad that we’re choosing to let you down in the nicest possible way instead of being the bitches you complain about. and before someone says..well.. there has to be a compromise between being rude and being a simp (can girls be simps?) – i say…try being a girl. show of hands ladies,  a dude approaches you, you tell him kindly you aren’t interested, you already have a man and he retorts: what – you can’t have friends?

negro…you aren’t trying to be my friend. and if hypothetically i did take you up on that offer, i’d end up with a mailed letter with WiM’s post printed on it. no thanks.

for a period of time in their lives women have bad taste in choosing the men they need versus the men they want

-i wont say i disagree with this entirely. but i do think this is due to a myriad of factors. and no one – and The Rock means NO ONE, rebels harder than a teenage girl. some wait until they are away from parental units to do it – but every young girl goes through a phase of experimentation. it definitely takes some longer to snap out of it than others. sadly, some never do.

Let’s face it, the main reason you put men in the friend zone is because despite all his winning qualities that make him a great friend, you aren’t attracted to him “like that”.

-oops. i guess this is why you read the entire post before you summarize and characterize. (and plagiarise? super-size? shrugs.).  i would have given the author points if he had said at the end of this sentence.. and THAT IS YOUR PREROGATIVE. because it is. period. full stop.

 Men are the same way when it comes to pretty women. It takes men a significant period of their lives to realize they cannot establish a meaningful relationship based solely on superficial attributes.

-*nods head. i think that was the crux of my entire argument. why are we fighting about women placing men in the friend zone when men push ‘good’ women down a set of stairs for the bitchy chick with a sick ass to waist ratio ALL THEE TIME? then turn around and complain about the lack of substance and materialistic and vapid nature of women.  break your own vicious cycle fellas…

for every man placed in the friend zone, there is a women in wifey-land. this magical place where a man supposedly is committed to you, but isn’t really.  he does the least, to get the most. (word to Maxfab) or what about the women who are bookmarked for future purposes for when he gets all of his player ways out of his testes. this happens. more than you think it does.

all that being said – the friend zone is selfish. because as long as a man is languishing there – being the backup QB, he could be starting on another team. what i see lacking in the conversations about dating, sex and relationships is a lack of personal accountability. just because a woman placed you on the bench – doesn’t mean you have to stay there. if you want to wait until Brett Farve retires, or Michael Vick gets injured – that’s up to you. stay, and you could end up with the ring (or the belt). go and you can have a chance to be the man without looking over your shoulder. you control your own destiny. no body else.

if you are man who suspects he’s been friend-zoned  - do or say something about it. tell her that you respect her wishes, but want to be her man. heck…play this song² or this song to get the point across. while you are there, go get ya groove on and court other ladies. this will force her to play her hand. either she gives you a shot or she risks losing you to another woman.

ladies, if you are the guilty party – calling him up for rides, asking him to come with you to weddings, sending him pics of your kitty that just came back from Brazil – stop it. we complain all the time about men messing with our emotions and doing this is no different. it’s irritating, irresponsible and ruins it for the rest of us. if you aren’t feeling him – say so. keep him in a box that is strictly for the homies (sports and food). if the conversation veers off towards anything remotely romantical or sexual – walk away. don’t take the bait. dudes will stay testing your resolve. stay your course. be clear and consistent. this avoids confusion and sexual improprieties later on down the road.

if you aren’t sure if you are feeling him or not, just continue to get to know him in whatever way works for you until you can make a decision. but be honest with yourself and the other person. a person can only make proper decision when they have the right information.

i love reading blogs and getting different perspectives. i’m not a man, just a girl that thugs ‘em, fucks ‘em, loves ‘em, leaves ‘em dates ‘em. i didn’t delve into the comments on the original post, because it probably was a lot of people talking AT each other instead of TO each other.

funny how we’re communicating more, but are learning and understanding less.

let’s change that shall we?

kbe

footnotes:

1. i don’t even have to write about it. it’s right here. sure it may not be as frequent as the reverse, but lets not pretend it doesnt happen. just because Q and Monica ended up together in the end (oops..spoiler alert), doesn’t mean dudes dont STAY passing over the chick they can get down with  for the more overtly sexual ones.

2. i dont even want to understand what’s happening in this video. i love the 80′s.

Related articles

• How To Get Out Of The Friend Zone (mademan.com)

written word: a boxer’s thoughts

mama said knock you out

a boxer’s career is destined to be short
too many hits would change anyone

you used to be a heavyweight champion in your world
able to absorb the jabs and avoid the hooks
but as you get older, you get slower
and the body blows hurt more than just the body

the worse part is the recovery
it’s becoming harder and harder to even want to step into the ring
it’s like: what’s the point if i’m going to lose and get hurt again?

but the defeatist attitude doesn’t become a winner
it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy
and you think you learned from the last fight

so you go ahead and set a date
don king calls a press conference because he can’t contain his excitement
you want to keep it quiet though
because the less people that know, the less to see your humiliation

but you get caught up in the hype
and then the announcer in your head says: “let’s get ready to rumble”

so you float like a butterfly
and it feels so nice to be out of the cocoon
to be graceful and beautiful
but the butterfly’s flight is interrupted
by the sting of the bee
you didn’t realize you were in it’s nest
and that you weren’t there for anything
but to get stung

the needle pierces your soul
and your heart
you fall to the mat and the ref tags you down for the count
you’ve lost again
and you’re lost again
you thought you were in the right place, at the right time
that the fight was going to be fair and clean
until you realize
that there is no such thing
in the game of life and love, there are never two winners
and you feel like a loser
because of all that you have lost

it’s not just the match
it’s hope
faith
the twinkle in your eye
the pep in your two-step
the dimple that came out when you smiled from the inside out

you want to retire from the game on your own terms
not be forced out by age or injury
or worse
be considered not of value to see

people used to say, there goes the champ
what i wouldn’t give just to be in the ring
just to be close
and now the novelty has worn off
there are always new fighters coming on the scene
who don’t have to do desperate things to been seen
or heard

as the lights of the marquee fade to black
the black and blue bruises fade on the outside
what about the bruises that only you can see?
how long does it take for those to heal?

if defense wins championships, then perhaps the lesson is to be more defensive
to reject and be hard on the inside and out
so that your shell doesn’t crack, shatter or break
at the first or last sign of pressure

no one likes a soft boxer
boxers are supposed to be tough, strong and resilient
the biggest fight becomes figuring out where the boxer in you ends
and the real person in you begins

may the best part of you win
and may the prize be worth the battle

posted sept 11/08

music moves me: working through heartbreak

aint no uptempo in those headphones

when you are going through a heartbreak, music can be a source of comfort, an accomplice to your sorrow.

the album now on repeat as i work through the process is my fellow Canadian: Deborah Cox‘s ‘One Wish’.

• sometimes it’s the song title summarizing the finality of it all (it’s over now)
• that bittersweet moment when you remember the good that kept you around (couldn’t we)
• just when you thought you had found your own closure and a text message pops up (just when i think im over you)

or excerpts from the songs:

•  to just act like…we never were…to come around…and not show hurt…(we can’t be friends)
•  i never knew that you would be the one…come along and snatch my heart and run..wait for explanation why.. (i never knew)

but the song that truly sums up everything i’ve been feeling for the past little while, is her song aptly titled: one day you will.

this is me SANGIN this song. (minus the um.. tats and other things)

it’s what you want to be able to say to someone who wronged you. it’s what you have to envision he feels, so that you can feel slightly better about the rejection. it’s that temporary boost to your self of steam (yes..self of steam).

One day you will be starting out your day, yeah

And you’ll look inside your coffee cup and see my face

And you’ll realize the sad mistake you made

And it will be too late, oh one day you’ll wonder why you ever said good-bye

And you will wish you were still right here by my side, oh

But I won’t be around, no

You don’t miss me now, you don’t miss me now

One day you will

 

 Never find a love like what we had

Never find someone like me again

Through the tears one day you’ll see

That the one you need is me

You’ll want me back again

 

One day you will be driving in your car, yeah

And you’re gonna hear a song that’s gonna break your heart

And you’ll wish you said this words you didn’t say

It will be too late

 

One day you’ll wonder why you ever said good-bye

And you will wish you were still right here, right by my side

Oh, but baby I won’t be around, oh no, no, no

You don’t miss me now, you don’t miss me now

 

 One day you will be walking down the street, oh yeah yeah

And you’ll see someone and she will look a lot like me

And you’ll think about someone you left behind

And it will you cry, oh

You don’t miss me now, you just don’t miss me now

You don’t miss me now, you don’t miss me now

 

But one day you will

One day you will

 

and seeing as though…most of the men i’ve dated have in some way, shape, or form tried to resurrect themselves, and this dude claimed to know that i am indeed wife material and someone will be lucky to have me, i feel pretty confident (and not in an arrogant or conceited way because im not that hot) that indeed he has tried to will come back.

loneliness can be a helluva drug that causes blindness, but once the spell is finally broken – it’s broke forever. (a twist on a very poignant line from a Jay-Z track…different song for different day!)

so he can miss me now.

then.

and later.

kbe