checking in: where in the world is keisha brown?

oh hey.

it’s me. and it’s been a long time. i shouldn’t have left you. without a dope beat to step to. or at least some things to read.

and funny, going through my google reader – it seems to be a trend with some of my fave e-peeps. those who want to write for a living or otherwise.

life has a way of making sure that it will re-prioritize for you if you are struggling to do it yourself.

it’s been an interesting month, professionally, personally and all facets of my life in between.

funny how fast things can change.

friends you refer to, walk away from your life.

people you’ve tried to stay away from, keep trying to bait you to come back and continue the vicious cycle.

i’ve found myself wondering if i should get a roommate (someone to bring me soup when im too weak to leave the house) and if independence is over-rated.

i’ve been wrestling with some life-altering decisions, what i should do and what i will do should the time come that i’m forced to choose.

i have less patience for those that don’t make the same attempts to support me, as i have for them. and that at one point included the person i respect and love the most.

i am so excited about the future, some wonderful opportunities and crossing things off my action list.

i’ve been ahead, caught up and way behind on trying to reset my life.

i’ve become a better business person and a student again. i’m really pumped about both.

i’ve gone to bed and woken up afraid of the unknown. and of blood.

i have secrets, im not sure i can share with anyone. and shared a secret with someone.

i’ve seen people at their best and people at their worst. joy and senseless pain.

i’ve taken some risks and finally realized that fear has held me back.

i’ve created a new email address for this blog, so that i can respond to people who leave me notes, while still (somewhat) retaining my privacy.

ive learned that in the world in which something may be so black and white, all it takes is 1 thing to make you see there are so many shades of grey in between.

the hypocrisy of others has tested me. i struggle with being the bigger and better person vs letting someone lay with the decision they have made (and therefore being just as childish as they are being).

i miss some of my friends more than others. there is a bit of guilt there. but not enough.

this city is too damn small. and the rent is too damn high. (whatever happened to him anyways)

i’ve been on and off the social media grid, and have so many rants, vents and posts that i want to and need to write as a result of the things i’ve read. i’ve come to hate and appreciate the internet, because people are usually more open and honest with how they really feel about something.

but it still makes me weep for the future kids i may bring into the world.

the ego in me was defeated by the weakling in me. and it was probably a good thing.

i’ve been so sick, disappointed, frustrated, anxious and exhausted. and that’s all in the past 12 days.

it’s ok for once in a while to take a step back, pause, acknowledge the good, bad and ugly. assess and re-assess.  take the cape off, remove the ‘S’ from your chest and just be.

i am human. and this is life.

kbe.

how about y’all? how are YOU doing?

the rebuttal: who cheats more – men or women?

i was watching the NFL game (aka having it watch me), when a tweet popped up that i couldn’t resist replying to.

a male tweep (twitter peep) was calling shenanigans on the assertion that men cheat more than women. which of course led to an.. interesting conversation on twitter.

i love twitter (God knows i do…) but there are certain conversations you just can’t have. there isn’t the space to have it properly. so of course, knew i was going to write about it.

of the 3 fellas, only 1 unequivocally said that men and women cheat in equal numbers. another said that attractive women cheat more. women hide it better and it continued to go left before i decided to walk away. and do some investigating.

going into this blog post, my opinion is that men cheat more. why did i believe that? based on the male to female ratio in most urban cities, the amount of single women vs single men (women who are dropping standards just to get a man, and putting up with A LOT to keep a man), and what i’ve seen personally (not to me thankfully) – i couldn’t believe that women cheat more than men.

but what do the surveys say? (*in my best family feud voice)

• According to Dr David Holmes, a psychologist at Manchester Metropolitan University, women are having more affairs than ever – recent studies say the figure is around 20 per cent for men and a bit over 15 per cent for women. (Source)
• About one in five adults in monogamous relationships, or 22 percent, have cheated on their current partner. The rate is even higher among married men. 28 percent of married men and 18 percent of married women admitting to having a sexual liaison. (Source)
• According to research expert Tom W. Smith, director of the General Social Survey for the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago who conducted the highly respected study “American Sexual Behavior,” a poll of 10,000 people over two decades. The study found that 22 percent of married men and 15 percent of married women have cheated at least once. (Source)
• According to the survey, 15 percent of women and 16 percent of men with children ages 2 to 5 years had an affair. An unexpected 7 percent of women and 9 percent of men cheated while there was a baby under the age of 2 in the home. (Source)
• Yet, one in four men and one in 10 women think cheating is justified if a partner has no interest in sex. (Source)
• Only 8 percent of men and 4 percent of women say they’ve never had the chance to fool around. (Source)

• According to The Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy, nearly 50 percent of married women and 60 percent of married men will have an extramarital affair at some point in their marriage. (Source)
• Researchers from Indiana University in Bloomington administered questionnaires to more than 900 participants in order to determine the factors that most often lead to infidelity among both sexes. (Source)
• 19 percent of women and 23 percent of men reported cheating, statistics that seem to reflect a closing of the cheating gender gap. Research from the 1990s found that only about 10 percent to 15 percent of women reported being unfaithful. (Source)
• A study by the University of Washington, asked men and women if they had ever cheated, discovering 20 percent of men under age 35 pleaded guilty, and only 15 percent of the women. (Source)
• However in 2006, a Durex condom poll asked participants if they had ever cheated, reporting 40 percent of women had, and only 34 percent of men. (Source)

so has you can see, from a variety of sources, studies in groups larger than most personal social circles, and some over long periods of time – the stats show that generally men cheat more than women.

it was interesting to read about the historical reasons (women working outside the home, being financially independent) about why the gap is closing. i also think that things are just easier these days. and of course, it all depends on how one define’s cheating and infidelity. i’m sure each of the studies did it in different ways. kissing is very intimate to some. intercourse is the ultimate betrayal to others. exchanging x-rated text messages (with or without pictures) or exchanging emotional bonds, all fall within the spectrum.

i also recognize that an argument based solely on statistics is flawed. without knowing the methodology of said study, it will be taken with a grain of salt. As mentioned:

“Those sorts of findings depend on how you ask the questions and who you’re asking,” said Scott Wetzler, vice chair of the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Montefiore Medical Center in the Bronx, N.Y. “There are no data that I know of to speak to that.” (Source)

another article also made a great point:

When studies about sexual partners or fidelity use a mixture of face-to-face interviews and anonymous computer questionnaires, men will give the same answers to both, but women will report much higher numbers when the answers are anonymous. (Source)

when the question was first posed on twitter, i mentioned that i’d be interested to see the stats of the number 1 infidelity website ashleymadison.com. according to the founder and CEO, the make up of the site is 70% men and 30% women. the majority of male users are attached, while there is a higher number of single women on the site. Source. he also goes on to say:

 I was confident that this service would attract men. I was less sure that women were going to behave in that fashion.

so even this man knows that men are more likely to use his service than women. hmmm.

maybe these stats would be different if we were talking about people in relationships as opposed to marriage. maybe cultural differences and geography play a role. but this post is not about the why, or digging deeper into the reasons, justifications or consequences. just to look at who does it more. maybe that will be a future blog post if the people want it.

i recognize that women cheat. they do it for a variety of reasons (some similar to the men folk, others..more complex). it’s clear that it happens, in larger number than some may think.

but based on what we’ve learned today - women do not cheat more than men.

then again, does it really matter who cheats more?

kbe.

what say you? are you surprised by the findings? do you need me to show you more receipts? do you think it’s more equal than the stats show?

footnote: i know that when someone believes something, it’s easy to find stats to support it, or immediately dismiss it as hogwash. im all for learning more about something i don’t really know about. if you disagree and you use emotions to make an argument, well… prepare accordingly.

ps: this was also interesting to read.

the diary: my past, present and future of online dating

my relationship with online dating is longer than it’s actually existed.

back before social networks was part of our everyday language, there was college club. a website for college kids to meet other college kids. (think facebook) for some crazy reason, i ended up on the phone almost every night with a dude from kentucky. random.

and thus the genesis of me + online meetups + long distance. it’s a long, sordid and steamy love triangle.

i moved to blackplanet like many young black folk did. for me, it was nice to be in a place where the chances were higher that the men would be attracted to milk chocolate as opposed to white chocolate. (not that there is anything wrong with interracial dating, but you want the people you want to want you too!). the blackplanet era included the introduction of webcams and photo scanners. i laugh thinking about the early days of the pictures. i think it was probably harder to get away with being deceitful than we are today.

having a profile on blackplanet, didn’t make you ‘thirsty’ or a loser. i was still in the prime of my youth, learning who i was and engaging with people in 3D. it just became another tool on how to meet people. i met a few people off BP, 1 of whom i consider one of the best men i know and someone i truly adore.

as time passed, and the internet became more a part of our daily lives, i interacted more with people who shared common interests. i eventually started commenting and posting notes (aka blogging) on espn.com (today, it’s the sports version of facebook). i’m not a girl who likes to brag i mostly boast about my sporty knowledge – but it is a tool in my tool belt, and developed a little following. which lead to two different relationships in 2 different states (not simultaneously). what any dude had in common is the ability to write. i am a sucker for a man who can express himself through the written form. (that’s a hint fellas).

on the quest to change the single status, i’ve tried traditional online dating sites as they became less taboo. there was a point, no one would mention they met someone though the internet. that used to be the equivalent of trolling the classifieds or calling a party line. it’s definitely more common now, to have at least ventured in that direction as our society has become not just more accepting of it, but also is one that enabled by 24 hour use of technology.

it took me a long time to muster up the courage to join an online dating site. i had to get past the ‘desperate hail mary long shot’ mentality. i’ve tried a few different sites, varying from 1 week to 3 months with varying degrees of success. each time i decide to try again, i enter it with a better understanding of the game.

what i’ve learned in my OD attempts:

-you really do only get 1 chance to make a first impression. your profile is your real life “hi, my name is”. you can’t be mad when someone chooses to move on when you misspell hi or are overly arrogant/aggressive at this stage. but people do get mad. Exhibit A.

-honesty is not the best policy: when it comes to pictures (i caught a dude using NFL player Dwight Freeney, including this pic specifically), or expectations – there is a lot to navigate.  on one site, you can turn filters on (do not mail me if married, older than x, have messaged others for sexual connections), and yet was told by 1 dude: “don’t be so picky, i wasn’t with you”. O_O.

i get being open to new experiences and thinking outside your box, but you still need to have standards of what you will be comfortable with.

-the double standards continue: i’ve learned that as a woman, many men feel that i wouldn’t be there if i was a catch, so i should take what i can get. that being said, i’ve come across profiles written by men that read like dhani jones’ wishlist. and they are being dead serious. we all have our lists, but let’s be real that women get all sorts of flak for having and sharing theirs. we’re often told our standards are too high and lists are too unrealistic/picky. but when we venture to date the man of potential, and it doesn’t work out – we’re told to stop dating lowlifes beneath us. but that’s a whole nother blog post in the draft folder.  i’ve read many times (blogs, twitter) that women are the reason we are single, but when a man issingle – it’s by choice only. yeah. moving right along.

-numbers lie: while im sure, men still do more of the pursuing online than women, online is the one place where im not afraid to make that 1st contact. ironically enough, the men i’ve contacted usually aren’t interested in me. i’ve tried to look at why this might be – are my sights set too high? is my introductory email too smart and witty? should there be less face and more bosom? should i pursue the one that i didnt really like just to boost my ego and self of steam? when i start asking myself those questions – that’s when i usually close the piana and hit delete to the account.

-there are no rules. some want to jump from profile to phone in a day. other want to have a meetup within 48 hrs. others chill at talk phase for a week or so. everyone has different ways to navigate and communicate. i usually wont give out my number too quick, but if you want to communicate with me offline, bbm is helpful for that. if a dude is pushing too hard for a date, too soon without really getting to know me – alarm bells will go off (and so will my turn-off-o-meter). im a go with my instincts girl. it’s important to be for safety and health reasons.

trust me. this is NOT a woman's typical life.

-float on. the sheer definition of dating is going out on dates. this means you can do it with more than one person at a time. have fun! be free! be honest so that people can manage their time and expectations accordingly.while nothing would make me happier to have someone to cop the latest Jordans for and snuggle up with during NBA NFL playoffs – i’m not going to force feed the issue for the sake of. he’s got to be worth it.

online dating is not for everyone. you have to go into it with a smedium level of hope, a thick-skin and high dose of patience. like with any experience, it is what you make it.  if you know what you want, are willing and able to search and be found, it could lead to great things.

the older i get, the harder it is to deal with the games. i’m pretty clear on what i want (and don’t want) at this stage. balancing the YOLO vs the time is precious is becoming harder and harder. but still – hope springs eternal.

the moral of my story? always stay honest to yourself first and foremost. when you stray from that, everything you get just doesn’t seem worth it.

kbe.

what say you? have you tried online dating? was it a positive or negative experience? what do you think the pros and cons are?

ps: i wrote a post about a date i went on and a guy friend of mine cautioned me against writing it. he said it would present me in a negative light. i’ve tried to keep this in mind when writing about my dating experiences. i think there has to be a balance between sharing every bitter and wonderful experience and creating a dialogue. while there are many things that are blog-worthy, not everything is. (if that was the case, the relationship i was just in and just ended would be known to way more people).

so if my future husband is reading, just know that i know, believe in and practice balance and discretion. now come get me.

Related articles

• Data Suggests That Online Dating Is Utterly Inescapable [Infographic] (jezebel.com)

written word: where i wanna be

the heart vs the head

I wish u were here
In my place and in my space
Your hands gliding where your tongue plans to follow
Invading me like countries do to others
Leaving no stone unturned
Seeking the ultimate treasure of pleasure

I wish u were here
In my heart where I keep unfulfilled secrets
Thoughts of you I don’t dare speak out loud
Paralyzed by fear
Silenced by pride
Embraced by regret

Its easier to wish for you to be in one place than the other
I know it shouldn’t be the case
But sometimes you build the cart before buying the horse
it carries all expectations, hopes and dreams
And not all are strong enough to pull and guide it through
Navigating streets full of potholes and past failures

I wish you weren’t here
In my mind, with access to my unfiltered thoughts
Raw emotion leaving me more naked than you usually have me
Knowing what words will be spoken before I speak them
You’ve moved in without throwing a housewarming, word or invitation
You being here means you know my subconscious better than I do

Sad and scary part – I don’t think you want to be here
You feel pushed rather than pulled into this abyss of uncertainty
A relationship with no beginning, middle or end
A vicious cycle of wants and needs.
A song that never ends

Until you decide where you want to be.
Here
With me

kbe.

(written 12/10)

music moves me: glory by jay-z feat b.i.c.

It’s a surprise post!

Mazel tov! It’s a celebrations bishes!!

As you may or may not know, Beyonce may or may not have given birth to a baby girl recently. Her name may or may not be Blue Ivy.

What we DO know is that Shawn Jay-Z/Hov Carter is deeply in love and enamored by a little girl.

And decided to do what he does best – use the power of his pen, his rapping styles and his homie Skateboard P (perhaps after touring the world with Yeezy World Peace, he needed some rest from the Louis Vuitton Don?) – put together the fastest track with the youngest featured artist ever.

His brand-new daughter.

It’s a simple track, with a simple beat. The song is not about the music, but all about the lyrics.

The most sweetest love letter. Glory.

The most amazing feeling I feel
Words can’t describe the feeling for real
Baby I paint the sky blue
My greatest creation was you, you
Glory

I imagine this is how all new parents feel. Despite all the money in the world, no fame or award can replicate that feeling.

False alarms and false starts (ugh)
All made better by the sound of your heart (yeah)
All the pain of the last time
I prayed so hard it was the last time
Your mama said that you danced for her
Did you wiggle your hands for her?

That last line though? *clutches ovaries…

Last time the miscarriage was so tragic
We was afraid you disappeared
But nah, baby you magic
So there you have it, shit happens
Make sure the plane you on is bigger than your carry on baggage

I love that there are so many people so convinced of the contents of Beyonce’s uterus. People that have never even sniffed her, much less spoken to, or conducted a physical on. But hey – everyone has to believe in something right? Whatever you believe, the pain of a miscarriage is real. And while the woman suffers it on multiple scales, we can’t discount a man’s pain of losing a child either.  And his shoutout to Aaliyah? Yeah. My life is now officially sponsored by Kleenex at this point.

Everybody goes through stuff
Life is a gift love, open it up

Where was Blue Ivy when I was trying to come up with a mantra?

You’re a child of destiny
You’re the child of my destiny
You’re my child with the child from Destiny’s Child
That’s a hell of a recipe
Glory, Glory, Glory, Sorry..

And….I’m done. The wordplay? Kudos sir, kudos.

The real reason I was inspired to do a blog post on this was to somehow channel the emotions I felt upon hearing the song. I love seeing fathers with their kids, but more specifically their daughters.  Is it because, at the age the Blue Ivy will be in 18 months – I lost the chance to ever be or become Daddy’s little girl? Very likely.

I usually don’t get into that part of my feelings until Father’s Day or perhaps at a wedding as a bride is walked down the aisle, by the man who raised her. I feel cheated. I feel like a brat. I feel all sorts of tangible and intangible feelings.

It’s not a jealousy or an envy. Just a regret and a longing. They say you can’t miss what you’ve never had, but that’s not true at all. I miss all the things that I could’ve had.

Blue Ivy, for many reasons is a lucky little girl. I hope she grows up happy, healthy and the love of both mom and daddy.

By the sounds of it, she’s already on her way.

kbe.

what say you? what were your thoughts when you heard the song? are you a parent that can relate? are there words you would use to describe the feeling of becoming a parent?

For a great read on love, relationships and the Carter clan, check out this amazing post by Mr Most. (rhyme not intended)

Source of lyrics

the action plan: week 1 of 31 day reset

last year (lol), i mentioned a project called the 31 day reset. it’s a personal life assessment challenge, with daily tasks that force you to sit, examine every area of your life in detail.

it probably sounds like hocus-pocus, but it can really be an eye-opening experience. and the new year is about starting fresh and anew – and hopefully not repeating the same mistakes of yore. what do you have to lose?

since it’s a daily project and don’t have the time to blog about the challenges everyday, here is my weekly recap of week 1.

day 1: start here. day 1 is simple: choose a notebook, choose a mantra that will motivate and inspire you for the next 31 days (or 12 months) and choose a theme song.

i have what you may call a shoe notebook fetish. i love cracking open a new book and writing down lists, goals, thoughts, dreams, budgets and other random things. i have a specific book i use for these kinds of things (and that i used for the last reset). my mantra for the year is: life is what you make it (so make it a great one). it’s a take on a reggae tune, and it came to me as struggled to come up with one. the inspiration finally hit me after a long conversation with my mom. some people take roadblocks and make themselves victims. others take lemons and make delicious lemon bars. life IS what YOU make it. my theme song is i will get there by boyz II men. it’s amazing track off the soundtrack to the Prince of Egypt movie, and i’ve loved it for years. i think it will make an excellent future music moves me post.

day 2: honest assessment of your life. this can be either great depending on the direction your life is heading in or not so great if you’ve spent time hiding from things. i’m overall pleased with the direction my life is going. perhaps a little slower than i’d like, but all that tells me is that i need to slow my roll and enjoy life as it unravels before me. this assessment makes you think about the good and the bad in 7 key areas of your life. some of the things i liked/am happy with were pretty clear (my friends, my career, overcoming major financial hurdles). the things i dislike/am unhappy with were more glaring and it’s clear what my focus in 2012 will need to be. there were even a few surprises about how i felt about myself. this wouldn’t be the last surprise of the week.

day 3: write a love letter to your future self. this wasn’t “self, i love you – let me count the ways” kind of letter. it was a letter to get you to focus on the positive and the things you LOVE about your life! yes, even in the physical health or finances department. it’s so easy to speak about and dwell on the craptastic parts, but how often do you extol the virtues of your job (if you follow me on twitter, you know i do on a regular) or other major areas of your life? the best part of this challenge was that you then had to compose it and send it to yourself via a website called: futureme.org. so brilliant! it’s like creating an electronic time capsule. i saw some of the sample letters and they were truly beautiful. while the challenge called to send it to yourself in 30 days, i did mine for a few months from now – so that i can really see if the reset project had a lasting effect on me. will i still love those things about me and my life 4 months from now? we shall see..

day 4: identify your values. this is where it gets real. despite the fact that i’ve done this before – this one gets me stuck. and i admit, i turned to the internet for help. usually i get caught up in trying to figure out what exactly is a value? i value communication. it’s one of the most important things in my life and i believe the most important thing in all relationships – but is that really a value? me no know. the last time i did this project i chose the following:

• Family
• Love
• Passion
• Integrity
• Community
• Legacy
• Stability
• Fulfillment
• Growth
• Balance

this time (and without looking i promise), i chose the following:

• Stability & Security
• Growth
• Independence
• Integrity
• Responsibility & Accountability
• Hope
• Love
• Passion
• Preparation
• Strength

it’s interesting to see these side-by-side for comparison. i love my family, but do i value it? the definition of family is more than just who you are related to by blood or marriage. i value independence, but is that getting in the way of me having love in my life? this reset project can be like opening pandora’s box to your hidden fears.

day 5: envision your values in action. this is one of the longer challenges and for me is the toughest. once i’ve decided on what i believe them to be, when i struggle to put actions to them, i second guess if they are that important to me after all. day 5 asks you if you are currently living out your values, to rate how you are living them on a scale of 1-10 (im always brutally honest with myself) and then list 3 actions PER value that you currently take or should be taking.

i told you it was serious.

day 6: write a personal mission statement. always about tying things together, this is pretty much creating a constitution for your life based on your selected values. but unlike old archaic documents, a personal mission statement is meant to change over time as you do. mine looks like this:

i value integrity, growth and responsibility. being grounded in my decisions, standing firm in what i believe in and what my soul agrees with is important to me. it is fundamental to who i am as a person, daughter, sister, friend, employee and entrepreneur.

my life would not be the same without the freedom to be, go and dream. it is full because of the people who support my goals and aspirations. as i journey through life, i will remember that independence doesn’t equal doing everything alone. life is not built that way and neither am i.

being prepared and adaptable makes me a better planner and a better person.

work on loving myself as i do others will be a life-long journey.

strength will take many forms and come from many places including life and those around me, a higher being and within.

my values at their highest level will equal being content and satisfied in all aspects of living. they will help me build a legacy that i will be proud of. i recognize that i am blessed, so that i may pass my blessings onto others.

i vow to always remain full of hope, passion and love. keeping my heart and mind open will mean the possibilities and opportunities are endless!

day 7: create a life map. who doesn’t need/like/want a brightly coloured visual summary of your goals? that’s exactly what the life map is. mine from 2011 is on my fridge and will be replaced with the 2012 version. might have to put one on my office as well.

day 8: rest, reflect and comment. the most important thing i learned this week, is that i need to work on me. and not in the ‘imma do me’ kind of way, but truly need to look at why certain thoughts dictate certain actions in my life. i loved creating the love letter and the entire idea behind futureme. i know i’ll probably use it in the future. (i might send it my action plan and set it for dec 31, 2012 if we’re still alive after the Mayan/rapture thing).

i expect week 2 to be even better and tougher than week 1. im ready, bring it on Rosetta!

kbe.

what say you? have you heard of this project? are you doing it? would you do it? what has been your best day so far? what has been your least fave day?

the diary: setting my heart free

it wasn’t supposed to turn out this way.
you were never supposed to be interested in me for more than one thing, and i was going to satisfy my id and pleasure principle through you.
you were supposed to get bored and walk away, and i was supposed to end things before you got too arrogant about the arrangement.
it was supposed to be easy-breezy for me and soft tings for you.

but then little by little, the unexpected.
there was no way our x-rated beginnings could have a happy ending (the other kind, not THAT kind) – it defied man-logic and all reason.

so i resisted. and gave you plenty of warning when the exit off-ramp came near. gave you plenty of opportunities to walk away and lead the life you lead without pressure. you held your cards close to your chest and made me show all of mine. you knew when i was bluffing, fronting as the kids would say – when i told you that despite the growing feelings, it didn’t mean anything.

feelings. despite all prayers and many moments of reflection (including denial) – there they were. just showed up unannounced at my doorstep. i couldn’t just kick them out in the cold, with no place to call home. so i welcomed them in. and started to do the same for you – hoping for the same in return.

and you did. dishing out pieces of you in the smallest of doses. which i hungrily gobbled up, not realizing that i was being fed snacks that were all sugar and very little substance.

so the battles began. we fought. we argued. we would make up to break up. (or is it break up to make up?) and back again. we’d miss each other, then fire shots barely missing each other. the words would cut deep. the silence would be deafening. block. mute. purge. delete. re-add. email. PIN. text. calls. only to start the vicious cycle all over again.

we would have intimate moments, that didn’t involve the physical. i felt humbled and honoured that you would let me in. i felt proud for sticking it through and making it that far. i felt like it was a reward for the loyalty you demanded of me and everything else that i voluntarily gave.

until it all fell apart again. for no good reason. maybe those private glimpses into your diary were just so that i wouldn’t and couldn’t walk away. maybe you were telling me things that were pleasing to the ear and the heart, to keep me strung along. and like a moth to the flame, burned by the fire… that’s the way the love went.

all the while, i was having an out-of-body experience, looking at this girl..wondering who is she? is this the same chick that even US customs would wonder why she’s rolling solo? who loves em, but leaves em for not giving her what she wants and needs? caught up by what? by who? for what? logic was long gone and nowhere to be found.

i finally decided to do what i should’ve all along. find the courage to pray. i prayed for the strength to walk away and for patience to stay if that’s what the plan was..

and like with all lessons God wants to teach you, there is never a clear concept of what fork in the road you are to take. so i chose a side. i figured – if i was meant to walk away, i would’ve. if i was meant to not get his calls, i wouldn’t have. if i was to get up and over all the tears for fears, 808 and heartbreaks – i would have. it is not my place to understand why, but only know that i kept trying to end something that God wasn’t trying to. there is and has to be a reason for all of this. whether its to make me stronger, more patient, or keep me from other things that would harm me – i have to believe that my heart has placed its stake in the ground with you for a reason. or so i thought and justified to myself.

a moment of truth. where like no other instance before, i opened myself to you and showed you that your place in my life was an important one. wanting you was easy, but needing you (and letting you know this) was much harder. but i had to. to keep myself from spiralling. and to my shock and awe – you showed up. in more ways than one. there was no greater moment, than just being in your presence, in silence. so much being said, without words being exchanged.

you see, i am a simple girl. i don’t need or ask for much – because i’ve learned to live without. the things i do want, don’t cost a lot or require much time, money or effort. but i do require all 3 at some point. all i ever really want is to have my feelings mirrored back at me.

i hold onto memories so tightly because i know they can fade away so fast. i also know they can be taken away if you aren’t careful and grateful. but memories can only sustain one for so long. for a relationship to grow – there should be new ones constantly being created.

in the end, what i wanted and needed from you was simple.

i wanted you to make sacrifices for me, but i needed you to make time for me.
i wanted to be a part of your life, but needed to know that im not always last on the list.
i wanted to know who you are and other aspects of your life, but needed to know that im not a dirty little secret, or worse a joke to you and your friends. there is a big difference between keeping your private life private and  hiding and refusing to acknowledge something (or someone)

i needed you to trust me. to respect me. to communicate with me.

i gave you more than enough time, the most valuable commodity out there, to give me exactly what i had given to you. and time and time again, you made the choice not take without giving.

so i made the choice to walk away.

i know that you won’t make this easy for me. my resolve and willpower will be tested. but this is a new year in which words will lead to actions and actions will speak louder than words.

i will believe in my words. and stand by my actions.

and i’m finally letting you go with both.

kbe.

what say you? have you ever written a goodbye letter? do you have someone you would write one to?  what would you say?

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written word: oh the places you’ll go

it’s a new year. optimism is in the air. so thought i’d share this with you, one of my fave books ever!

Congratulations!

Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look ‘em over with care.
About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.”
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you’re too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you’ll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you’ll head straight out of town.

It’s opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don’t worry. Don’t stew.
Just go right along.
You’ll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU’LL GO!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed.
You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you’ll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’ t
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so
but, sadly, it’s true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump,
you’re not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked.
A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right…
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you’ll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place…

…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That’s not for you!

Somehow you’ll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You’ll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you’ll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you’re that kind of a guy! (*t’s interjection: or gal)

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t.
Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times
you’ll play lonely games too.
Games you can’t win
’cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance
you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you’ll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You’ll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life’s
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU’LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So…
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea,
you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!

Written by (the one and only) Dr. Seuss