it wasn’t supposed to turn out this way.
you were never supposed to be interested in me for more than one thing, and i was going to satisfy my id and pleasure principle through you.
you were supposed to get bored and walk away, and i was supposed to end things before you got too arrogant about the arrangement.
it was supposed to be easy-breezy for me and soft tings for you.

but then little by little, the unexpected.
there was no way our x-rated beginnings could have a happy ending (the other kind, not THAT kind) – it defied man-logic and all reason.

so i resisted. and gave you plenty of warning when the exit off-ramp came near. gave you plenty of opportunities to walk away and lead the life you lead without pressure. you held your cards close to your chest and made me show all of mine. you knew when i was bluffing, fronting as the kids would say – when i told you that despite the growing feelings, it didn’t mean anything.

feelings. despite all prayers and many moments of reflection (including denial) – there they were. just showed up unannounced at my doorstep. i couldn’t just kick them out in the cold, with no place to call home. so i welcomed them in. and started to do the same for you – hoping for the same in return.

and you did. dishing out pieces of you in the smallest of doses. which i hungrily gobbled up, not realizing that i was being fed snacks that were all sugar and very little substance.

so the battles began. we fought. we argued. we would make up to break up. (or is it break up to make up?) and back again. we’d miss each other, then fire shots barely missing each other. the words would cut deep. the silence would be deafening. block. mute. purge. delete. re-add. email. PIN. text. calls. only to start the vicious cycle all over again.

we would have intimate moments, that didn’t involve the physical. i felt humbled and honoured that you would let me in. i felt proud for sticking it through and making it that far. i felt like it was a reward for the loyalty you demanded of me and everything else that i voluntarily gave.

until it all fell apart again. for no good reason. maybe those private glimpses into your diary were just so that i wouldn’t and couldn’t walk away. maybe you were telling me things that were pleasing to the ear and the heart, to keep me strung along. and like a moth to the flame, burned by the fire… that’s the way the love went.

all the while, i was having an out-of-body experience, looking at this girl..wondering who is she? is this the same chick that even US customs would wonder why she’s rolling solo? who loves em, but leaves em for not giving her what she wants and needs? caught up by what? by who? for what? logic was long gone and nowhere to be found.

i finally decided to do what i should’ve all along. find the courage to pray. i prayed for the strength to walk away and for patience to stay if that’s what the plan was..

and like with all lessons God wants to teach you, there is never a clear concept of what fork in the road you are to take. so i chose a side. i figured – if i was meant to walk away, i would’ve. if i was meant to not get his calls, i wouldn’t have. if i was to get up and over all the tears for fears, 808 and heartbreaks – i would have. it is not my place to understand why, but only know that i kept trying to end something that God wasn’t trying to. there is and has to be a reason for all of this. whether its to make me stronger, more patient, or keep me from other things that would harm me – i have to believe that my heart has placed its stake in the ground with you for a reason. or so i thought and justified to myself.

a moment of truth. where like no other instance before, i opened myself to you and showed you that your place in my life was an important one. wanting you was easy, but needing you (and letting you know this) was much harder. but i had to. to keep myself from spiralling. and to my shock and awe – you showed up. in more ways than one. there was no greater moment, than just being in your presence, in silence. so much being said, without words being exchanged.

you see, i am a simple girl. i don’t need or ask for much – because i’ve learned to live without. the things i do want, don’t cost a lot or require much time, money or effort. but i do require all 3 at some point. all i ever really want is to have my feelings mirrored back at me.

i hold onto memories so tightly because i know they can fade away so fast. i also know they can be taken away if you aren’t careful and grateful. but memories can only sustain one for so long. for a relationship to grow – there should be new ones constantly being created.

in the end, what i wanted and needed from you was simple.

i wanted you to make sacrifices for me, but i needed you to make time for me.
i wanted to be a part of your life, but needed to know that im not always last on the list.
i wanted to know who you are and other aspects of your life, but needed to know that im not a dirty little secret, or worse a joke to you and your friends. there is a big difference between keeping your private life private and  hiding and refusing to acknowledge something (or someone)

i needed you to trust me. to respect me. to communicate with me.

i gave you more than enough time, the most valuable commodity out there, to give me exactly what i had given to you. and time and time again, you made the choice not take without giving.

so i made the choice to walk away.

i know that you won’t make this easy for me. my resolve and willpower will be tested. but this is a new year in which words will lead to actions and actions will speak louder than words.

i will believe in my words. and stand by my actions.

and i’m finally letting you go with both.

kbe.

what say you? have you ever written a goodbye letter? do you have someone you would write one to?  what would you say?

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