i was watching the NFL game (aka having it watch me), when a tweet popped up that i couldn’t resist replying to.
a male tweep (twitter peep) was calling shenanigans on the assertion that men cheat more than women. which of course led to an.. interesting conversation on twitter.
i love twitter (God knows i do…) but there are certain conversations you just can’t have. there isn’t the space to have it properly. so of course, knew i was going to write about it.
of the 3 fellas, only 1 unequivocally said that men and women cheat in equal numbers. another said that attractive women cheat more. women hide it better and it continued to go left before i decided to walk away. and do some investigating.
going into this blog post, my opinion is that men cheat more. why did i believe that? based on the male to female ratio in most urban cities, the amount of single women vs single men (women who are dropping standards just to get a man, and putting up with A LOT to keep a man), and what i’ve seen personally (not to me thankfully) – i couldn’t believe that women cheat more than men.
but what do the surveys say? (*in my best family feud voice)
- According to Dr David Holmes, a psychologist at Manchester Metropolitan University, women are having more affairs than ever – recent studies say the figure is around 20 per cent for men and a bit over 15 per cent for women. (Source)
- About one in five adults in monogamous relationships, or 22 percent, have cheated on their current partner. The rate is even higher among married men. 28 percent of married men and 18 percent of married women admitting to having a sexual liaison. (Source)
- According to research expert Tom W. Smith, director of the General Social Survey for the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago who conducted the highly respected study “American Sexual Behavior,” a poll of 10,000 people over two decades. The study found that 22 percent of married men and 15 percent of married women have cheated at least once. (Source)
- According to the survey, 15 percent of women and 16 percent of men with children ages 2 to 5 years had an affair. An unexpected 7 percent of women and 9 percent of men cheated while there was a baby under the age of 2 in the home. (Source)
- Yet, one in four men and one in 10 women think cheating is justified if a partner has no interest in sex. (Source)
- Only 8 percent of men and 4 percent of women say they’ve never had the chance to fool around. (Source)
- According to The Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy, nearly 50 percent of married women and 60 percent of married men will have an extramarital affair at some point in their marriage. (Source)
- Researchers from Indiana University in Bloomington administered questionnaires to more than 900 participants in order to determine the factors that most often lead to infidelity among both sexes. (Source)
- 19 percent of women and 23 percent of men reported cheating, statistics that seem to reflect a closing of the cheating gender gap. Research from the 1990s found that only about 10 percent to 15 percent of women reported being unfaithful. (Source)
- A study by the University of Washington, asked men and women if they had ever cheated, discovering 20 percent of men under age 35 pleaded guilty, and only 15 percent of the women. (Source)
- However in 2006, a Durex condom poll asked participants if they had ever cheated, reporting 40 percent of women had, and only 34 percent of men. (Source)
so has you can see, from a variety of sources, studies in groups larger than most personal social circles, and some over long periods of time – the stats show that generally men cheat more than women.
it was interesting to read about the historical reasons (women working outside the home, being financially independent) about why the gap is closing. i also think that things are just easier these days. and of course, it all depends on how one define’s cheating and infidelity. i’m sure each of the studies did it in different ways. kissing is very intimate to some. intercourse is the ultimate betrayal to others. exchanging x-rated text messages (with or without pictures) or exchanging emotional bonds, all fall within the spectrum.
i also recognize that an argument based solely on statistics is flawed. without knowing the methodology of said study, it will be taken with a grain of salt. As mentioned:
“Those sorts of findings depend on how you ask the questions and who you’re asking,” said Scott Wetzler, vice chair of the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Montefiore Medical Center in the Bronx, N.Y. “There are no data that I know of to speak to that.” (Source)
another article also made a great point:
When studies about sexual partners or fidelity use a mixture of face-to-face interviews and anonymous computer questionnaires, men will give the same answers to both, but women will report much higher numbers when the answers are anonymous. (Source)
when the question was first posed on twitter, i mentioned that i’d be interested to see the stats of the number 1 infidelity website ashleymadison.com. according to the founder and CEO, the make up of the site is 70% men and 30% women. the majority of male users are attached, while there is a higher number of single women on the site. Source. he also goes on to say:
I was confident that this service would attract men. I was less sure that women were going to behave in that fashion.
so even this man knows that men are more likely to use his service than women. hmmm.
maybe these stats would be different if we were talking about people in relationships as opposed to marriage. maybe cultural differences and geography play a role. but this post is not about the why, or digging deeper into the reasons, justifications or consequences. just to look at who does it more. maybe that will be a future blog post if the people want it.
i recognize that women cheat. they do it for a variety of reasons (some similar to the men folk, others..more complex). it’s clear that it happens, in larger number than some may think.
but based on what we’ve learned today - women do not cheat more than men.
then again, does it really matter who cheats more?
kbe.
what say you? are you surprised by the findings? do you need me to show you more receipts? do you think it’s more equal than the stats show?
footnote: i know that when someone believes something, it’s easy to find stats to support it, or immediately dismiss it as hogwash. im all for learning more about something i don’t really know about. if you disagree and you use emotions to make an argument, well… prepare accordingly.
ps: this was also interesting to read.
ehhh…. like you said you listed a bunch of studies that actually requires people to tell the truth. i’ll leave it at that. i still stand by my original statement. women and men cheat in equal proportion. there’s no way you’re going to convince me otherwise. people cheat because they want to and they have opportunity.
fair enough. i respect your position, even if i disagree with it.
it definitely was eye-opening for me and you can take the studies with the smallest or largest grains of salt you like.
How can you hang onto that w/ no info to back it? At least these researchers took the time to poll thousands of ppl, lies or not, it clearly shows a trend. I also don’t buy the “opportunity” excuse because we all have opportunity. I think there’s a lot of reasons why ppl cheat and it’s much deeper than temptation or desire. I think chronic cheater’s problems come from within and more to do with themselves than the type of relationship they’re in. I think it has a lot to do with insecurity but that’s another post.
Noticed I said “I think”
I think women are better at cheating, that’s all. Less likely to get caught. Do women cheat in equal numbers? Mmmm. Maybe not, but it doesn’t mean that women do it significantly less.
Of the women I’ve known who have cheated vs. the men who have cheated, I’ve noticed one distinction. Men cheat “down” and women cheat “equal” or “up”. When you look at some of the high profile (celebrity) cheating stories with men, it’s always basketball players with waitresses, senators with interns, etc etc. Those women don’t have anything to lose if the cheating is found out (and some have even profited from it).
The women who have told me about their cheating escapes always cheated with men who were equal to them; co-workers (not subordinates). What happened was that each stood to lose equally if either of them decided to reveal the infidelity.
Guaranteed discretion. A better alibi network. Better opportunities. (4 hours at the salon/shopping is more feasible than 4 hours at the gym).
*waits for people to accuse me of being a jezebel*
interesting point of view. i think that plays into the role of why the opportunities are higher (and therefore the rates) are higher for me.
when a man has money/power – that is a magnet for all types of women and many men rely/prey on that. when a woman has money/power – men are not flocking to them in the same way.
i think rates of it happening and the actual rates of opportunities are very different.
the original goal behind the post, was to answer the question of who, but it might warrant a follow up of how and why. i think you are very right about women being able to hide it better.
Reminds me of Patrice O,Neal’s comments on cheating
At 1:30 he said if given a test women would more likely stay faithful if offered an upgrade, but men would be tempted to cheat with a passed out hooker.. Lol
I’m laughing that you did research. That’s so you. This is a needed read. So many people, myself included, insert their opinions into these discussions as facts. While research polls can be flawed, they are a great guide. I tell people, use it as an estimation or to see a “trend” instead of focusing on the hard core number or percentage.
I had this discussion with my brother’s friends and they (the men) were adamant that women cheat more, we’re loose, etc. So then I asked a question to take the pressure off of themselves and to not get defensive…I asked the men to think of how many women have cheated on them or played them…then I asked them to think of how many women they have cheated on or played. The guilty looks on their faces were priceless.
The answer was clear. Now granted this was a room of about 50 ppl but I could def use this info to see the trend (at least with Black males aged 22-35). Whatever the reason: nature, society, s.ex drive, etc…it seems that men break more hearts than women do. I doubt this will ever change due to the mental make-up of a man. I honestly believe men weren’t built this way and the only reason they engage in monogamy is to keep the woman happy and to not die alone. lol
LOL. you know me. i’m not going to say anything definitively without doing some research. (those degrees that dont keep me warm at night were earned somehow!)
if we can NEVER believe any sort of studies, they wouldn’t be done. One of the studies was based on thousands of people over the course of 2 decades. there has to be some truth to it, despite not knowing the methodology. do i believe everything written? nope. that’s why there are a multitude of sources with various sample sizes.
it doesn’t surprise me that men believe what they do. it’s always easier to point the finger out than in.
” I honestly believe men weren’t built this way and the only reason they engage in monogamy is to keep the woman happy and to not die alone. lol”
Interesting…this was a talking point on WIMs SBM post last week from the article written by that doctor saying women should let their man cheat. Oh well..anyway…
I think people form opinions based on their own experiences and attempt to justify as fact to the aggregate….that’s cool, I guess. I believe most people have a certain social demographic in mind when thinking about these things, however. Genders in their late teens well into their twenties…the number may be 50-50. I can’t tell you how many college freshmen women who had boyfriends “back home” or at a different school that forgot they even existed that first weekend in college. Also, as another minor example just a couple years ago on a black ski weekend trip many women go together as a group…many have boyfriends and will tell you, however by the end of the trip you would have never guessed it. (this applies vice versa, too, fyi)
I would guess that older married men probably cheat more than older women which tips the scale to the men as a whole I’d imagine. But what do I know? Nothing…that’s what.
lol. you know what you know and what you’ve seen! no more or less valid than anyone elses opinion.
i think a key issue is that cheating is defined differently and like you said, people will use whatever to justify or try to avoid a label.
Maybe your tweeps felt that women cheat more in according to their experience (not necessarily bc they were cheated on..but bc of what the seen)? Shrug.
The only person in my life who has cheated was my dad. On the other hand every other man I have interacted with have been very faithful and my best male friend is getting divorced because his wife cheated.. :/
I think women have definitely become more bolder than in the past..
i think personal experience has a lot to do with it. that’s why i admitted my bias/view on it from the beginning.
i think at the rates of most of the studies, women will catch up to men very shortly. we live in a YOLO-i am entitled to be happy-consequences be dammed kind of society. there aren’t any scarlet letters being handed out (unless you are in a small community like school or a workplace).
LOL kb i love that you did this post. i was waiting for it. i watched that conversation as it took place and though i never chimed in i thought to myself “this wont end well. and i doubt theres anything you can say–stats or not–to convince them otherwise”. and judging by tunde’s response above, my statement stands correct lol.
but based on what we’ve learned today – women do not cheat more than men.
then again, does it really matter who cheats more?
egg-zac-it-a-clee.
though my personal opinion? i think men tip the scales more. thats not necessarily a bash against men. but in my experience, i just think women have more to lose by cheating (i wont go into the detail now).
LOL. yeah, once the convo got rolling, especially something like this? twitter is not the time or the place for it.
people are going to believe what they want, based on reality, logic, proof, stats or otherwise. i was answering a question that was posed, and know that there is not changing of peoples minds, especially as Tonya pointed out – there is a personal situation in their lives that is the basis of their biased view.
that doesn’t make anyone wrong or right, just a holder of a difference of opinion. it’s what makes the world go round.
i think sexual double standards come into play on this topic as well.
There are too many damn studies out there.
Maybe I’m simple (This is very possible) but your question of “then again, does it really matter who cheats more?” is the point.
I look at all relationship issues on the personal level. If I’m with someone and she bangs the deacon I could give a damn why or how many other women cheated. After all of the numbers are crunch and lies are told to the folks with the clipboards the fact remains that my house is f**k-up.
lol. you’re telling me!! you know how many windows i had open when starting to research for this post?? lol.
i know a girl who has been the other woman in several relationships. when we were discussing my past with LDR’s, she asked me how i could do it and don’t i worry about them cheating, and how i could be so naive. at the end of the day, could i ever REALLY know if they were or not? nope. but since she was helping a dude cheat on his girl, clearly geography has nothing to do with it.
Great post! I was waiting for this as well lol I love the statistics, though I agree they do have to be taken with a grain of salt since we don’t know what the definition of cheating was in these studies.
However I do think, regardless if us not knowing the definition or methodology of the studies, that the trend seems to be that men, on average, cheat more.
Additionally, I believe the numbers in these studies would still be pretty similar even if some women were lying (Tunde). But that’s just my opinion. Too bad there weren’t any statistics on the percentage of “attractive” women they cheat versus “average” or “ugly” women…but I suppose that would be difficult to measure.
Again, great post!
yeah, the whole attractive thing is WAY too subjective to be used as a determining factor for any type of argument.
Yeah, it’s subjective…I wouldn’t say WAY too subjective, though. At the end of the day there are some women that get approached more frequently than others, all other things being equal, of course. If women go out as a group odds are all are not approached in equal numbers, hence a barometer of attractiveness can somewhat be established….at least situationally.
of course beauty is subjective!!! i think maxim recently named jennifer aniston the sexiest woman of all time. there was enough argument about it to warrant a recount at least!
‘attractive’ women get hollered at more, but that doesn’t mean she is going to cheat more.
i dont see the direct correlation.
Jennifer Aniston is an attractive white lady. No one really debates this. They’re debating that there are people hotter than her (and I would agree, lol).
Well the correlation is based on probability. Let me use an extreme example to clarify. If Selita Ebanks and Gabourey Sidibe (Precious) are both in relationships….both go out for the night on the town 5 nights during the week I would surmise more men would approach Selita then Gabby. Law of large numbers comes into play giving Selita more opportunities to cheat/accept advances. And you’re right, just b/c she gets hollered at doesn’t mean she will cheat….being more attractive doesn’t decrease your chances either…being not as aesthically pleasing, though, probably does. *shrugs*
It’s kinda like saying not every Republican out here is racist….but if someone is racist odds are they’re a Republican.
Hmm. I see your point. Those are also extreme and celebrity cases. IRL – there are women your boys go bananas over, that makes you yawn.
And I’ve also read in the blogosphere that the lives of attractive women are over-rated. Men THINK they are approached all the time, but because they are attractive and many don’t want to deal with the competition, simply don’t.
That being said, the opportunities are higher, but still does not equal higher rates of occurance. I believe Halle has been cheated ON more than she’s been caught cheating.
“That being said, the opportunities are higher, but still does not equal higher rates of occurance.”
Just to be clear we are still talking about attractive women vs. non-attractive women, correct? Ok cool. Bottomline is if opportunities are higher the probability of occurence is higher. There’s really no way around that. Let me just put it another way and more bluntly. If you’re Selita Ebanks (attractive) and want to cheat on your man it will be much easier for you to do so as opposed to a Gabby Sidibe (unattractive, generally speaking). Period.
lol.
this whole thing reeks of the ‘women can get sex whenever they want’ argument.
i can get up to bat 1 miillion times, and still never hit a homerun. someone who gets up to bat less than me, but has better technique and skill might hit one. just because someone CAN does NOT mean that they will.
like i said: halle could’ve had any man she wanted, but yet she stayed in relationships and ended up getting cheated ON.
Men v. Women round 5,584,323,232,984 ….lol! IMO, it’s fairly easy to ascertain that men are the more frequent cheaters due to the fact that it’s relatively advocated and celebrated even within our communities. It starts early (“well, boys will be boys”) and manifests into a wide-spread belief that this is just something men do, lol. I’m neither agreeing nor disagreeing with that previous sentence.
So if the social stigma madates that the man is the supreme cheat that’s going to be the generalized opinion. Similar to the notion that women are more domestic and therefore better cooks than men, yet most of the best chefs in the world are men. But I guess that’s another most vs. better debate. At any rate, like most generalizations and stereotypes there are reasons they are stereotypes….b/c there is some semblence of truth (some, I repeat). Take that how you want it.
AMEN LARRY (all caps necessary).
I may joke that Black people love chicken. But if I actually did a study, it might prove me right. Does it mean ALL black people love chicken? absolutely not.
Humans do bad things to each other. Cheating is 1 of them. Both men and women do it. But to ignore the stats…yeah.
Like I said above, sexual double standards do play a role in this. Scarlet letters were REAL and never applied to men way back when (or today). I’d definitely have to do more research, but there are Middle Eastern countries that will stone a woman to death for infidelity, but there is no same punishment for the men. So tell me who is more likely to cheat in those countries? I’d guess it’s the men who have less to lose (LIKE THEIR LIVES).
Well said Larry. Who da fug is Larry? Anyway, you are so right. I KNOW men cheat more because society told me so. A stereotype wouldn’t be a stereotype if there wasn’t some truth to it. Like Black people like chicken. *noms on chicken*
*hands you a bone plate
I’ve been MIA on twittah so I had no idea ya’ll been having these deep convos without me. However, I am not surprised at the results of these studies. It is what it is…but if I were to use personal experience and observations as evidence and data…the numbers would probably be more 50/50.
The ladies I know do as much dirt as the fellas and its all for various reasons or excuses, but whats done is done. For me it doesn’t matter who cheats more. Maybe because I’m as single as a dollar bill or that I hardly trust dudes as far as I can throw them…but I don’t put it past them. And they should never put it past me (especially if they are not giving me what I want).
I’m not an advocate of cheating, but I’m realistic and know that it may occur. Who actually commits the ill-fated (maybe) act of cheating matters to people only because, I think, we are actually trying to pin point a number for the person who ruins or sabotages relationships more therefore equating that number to the gender that is most commitment phobic.
See how one study leads to the next?!? Marvel at the beauty of science! #STEMmajorsROCK!
Oh another thing….were these studies based off of gender only? Did they delve into the types of relationships (heterosexual, homosexual)? Did they delve into the personal gender identifcation of individuals?? These things can definitely alter the data that was obtained.
you are right – studies and data are only 1 part of the equation. we can’t completely discount personal experiences.
most of the articles didn’t give a full detailed methodology of the studies presented, but you raise a number of good points and is why studies can’t just be taken as truth (but shouldn’t be automatically discounted either)
I’m glad you wrote this.. You wouldn’t have been able to get all this across in 140 character increments..
Is it possible that we all wanna know who cheats more so that it’s one less thing people can say about our sex?? since cheating is seen as one of the most egregious things you can do in a relationship.. It seems a little bit easier to swallow what is said about women if we can somehow claim “but at least we cheat less than men..”
“sneaky?” sure.
“gold diggers?” but you gave her money.
“hoe?” fine..
“but don’t say women cheat more!”
Like you said, at the end of the day it doesn’t matter who cheats more.. it’s that it happens.. We all hear the stories from our friends that validate why we feel the way we do.. makes it seem like there’s NO RIGHT being done by the opposite sex..
You can call me brainwashed, but being faithful is a concept I believe in.. You can’t do it, then we don’t need to be together.. You want thrill? bungee jump.. You want a chase? tour the Serengeti.. She makes you feel good? Go be with her..
If these are my options, then I love my company more than enough to be alone.. No problem..
I nominate this comment for fpl hall of fame!
No one wants to believe negative things about their own kind, but the numbers are there and can’t be overlooked!
At the end of the day, the who is not as important as the what and why of it all. I don’t believe all men cheat and won’t go into a future relationship believing that to be the outcome. At some point, you will come to know me and my values and what I will and will not condone.
Quint pon di buuuudddddyyyy!
Sorry I had to
True Story Nick! I didn’t think about it till you said it but that’s absolutely true. One less stereotype to apply to my sex lol
Good write up, and though it’s not “equal” most of those stats were very close to one another. We’re talking a difference of less than 5% for a number of them. So I still kinda stand by it being a fairly equal circumstance among the sexes. But the question I’d really like to see answered is how was cheating defined between studies?
i probably could have dug deeper to read the actual studies themselves…but…
i didnt want to.
but 1 did have a chart of what women thought of as cheating, which of course was different from what the men thought.